The longer that I am away from home, makes me miss it a little more. I have every intention of renewing a contract if it is presented to me but it does not stop the pangs of loneliness. I am comfortable in Korea, but there are so many aspects of my old life that is not here. I wish that I could go chill with the guys, eat dinner with one of my many families, hang out with my girls and attend gay church, be protective of my baby sister or show my parents that I have grown into someone they could be proud of, but I can't from so far away.
I told a friend recently that this has been one of the happiest times of my life and I am not lying, but I would be if I did not say that I did not admit to being lonely sometimes. I have some friends here, and they are great, but I find that I go into seclusion sometimes and try to distance myself. Back at home there was no such thing as personal space. None of us gave each other the luxury of being away from the others.
I miss sitting with Trina and Kristina gossiping about things that are only fascinating to us, I miss board game and video game nights with the guys, I miss seeing my family on a daily basis, but there is something bigger that is holding me to Korea. I am not sure why, but I just cannot leave yet.
I am trying to think positively and focus upon the good aspects of Korea. I have awesome kids, making great money, have an overall good life that is satisfying. If only I could have the best of both worlds. This lifestyle plus my old one as well. It is nice to hear from friends and family from home. Everyone seems to be doing well and it is funny to hear everyone talk about a few care packages that I might end up getting by the time I come home. At least people are being honest and telling me that it is in limbo. :p thanks guys.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Life Does Not Always Pan Out As You Wish
I do not seem to write as often as I use to, but that is because nothing particularly special happens in my life. So it is no surprise that the most eventful thing to happen to me is the lost of my necklace. Of course everyone wishes that they could lose something that can be easily replace or nothing at all, but that specific item had quite a bit of sentimental value behind it.
It was the last thing that my grandma gave to me before she passed away. She purchased it when she was still healthy and actually picked it out specifically because I asked for one. Without it, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Stress and worry definitely plays a role in making people sick. Although, I have never been an avid follower or condemner of Chinese superstition, it now eases my mind a bit after a conversation with my mom. My dad had said, "Maybe she(my grandma) wanted it back" and if that is the case than I am more than willing to let it go. I know that in Chinese culture there always seems to be an answer to all of the problems in the world and I can see why this way of thinking has lasted so long.
Human beings innate need to see a purpose, for the good and the bad, propels us to look for a deeper meaning behind event. It also raises the question of whether or not as humans we are trying to evade responsibility by attributing these losses to a power greater than our own. Then why do we also credit external beings with the great success we achieve as well. Which shows that we are not completely selfish for wanting to believe in this.
I have been feeling lonely recently. I enjoy being on my own and having to solve my own problems, but I miss everyone so much. I think that this event with the necklace pushed me over the edge. I did not realize that I hold such sentimental meanings behind items.
Maybe it is the old fashion Asian in me, but I feel as if this string of bad events occurred because I took a pure feeling such as gratitude for not having to endure the hardships that other people around me have had to and let it grow to pride. A part of me wants to go home so bad, because I know I will never truly feel comfortable or at ease here, but that is a good thing. As Jack and Trina always tell, that sense of comfort stunts personal growth. I just sometimes wish that I was living in a country that I spoke the language.
The hardest part about it all is that it will be the first time I spend a birthday away from my family and most of my friends. I know that I am known as the crafty one for lying about my birthday, but it is nice to just spend time with people. I might not readily admit my birthday, but when people do something kind for me I appreciate it very much. I kind of hope that this one just passes by.
Lesson:
Pride or attachment to material objects are a form of shackles that keep us bound to this world. To ever gain true understanding of the spiritual world, we sooner or later need to lose this constraint. Easier said than done, but I will strive to reach a form of enlightenment.
It was the last thing that my grandma gave to me before she passed away. She purchased it when she was still healthy and actually picked it out specifically because I asked for one. Without it, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Stress and worry definitely plays a role in making people sick. Although, I have never been an avid follower or condemner of Chinese superstition, it now eases my mind a bit after a conversation with my mom. My dad had said, "Maybe she(my grandma) wanted it back" and if that is the case than I am more than willing to let it go. I know that in Chinese culture there always seems to be an answer to all of the problems in the world and I can see why this way of thinking has lasted so long.
Human beings innate need to see a purpose, for the good and the bad, propels us to look for a deeper meaning behind event. It also raises the question of whether or not as humans we are trying to evade responsibility by attributing these losses to a power greater than our own. Then why do we also credit external beings with the great success we achieve as well. Which shows that we are not completely selfish for wanting to believe in this.
I have been feeling lonely recently. I enjoy being on my own and having to solve my own problems, but I miss everyone so much. I think that this event with the necklace pushed me over the edge. I did not realize that I hold such sentimental meanings behind items.
Maybe it is the old fashion Asian in me, but I feel as if this string of bad events occurred because I took a pure feeling such as gratitude for not having to endure the hardships that other people around me have had to and let it grow to pride. A part of me wants to go home so bad, because I know I will never truly feel comfortable or at ease here, but that is a good thing. As Jack and Trina always tell, that sense of comfort stunts personal growth. I just sometimes wish that I was living in a country that I spoke the language.
The hardest part about it all is that it will be the first time I spend a birthday away from my family and most of my friends. I know that I am known as the crafty one for lying about my birthday, but it is nice to just spend time with people. I might not readily admit my birthday, but when people do something kind for me I appreciate it very much. I kind of hope that this one just passes by.
Lesson:
Pride or attachment to material objects are a form of shackles that keep us bound to this world. To ever gain true understanding of the spiritual world, we sooner or later need to lose this constraint. Easier said than done, but I will strive to reach a form of enlightenment.
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