Shaken Foundation

Faith in myself is not a quality that I possess. The desire to have internal balance is always thrown askew when a difficult situation presents itself. Racism or racial preference has always been a part of Korean culture, but I have not felt the effects as much as when I first applied for this job and now with some of my co-teachers. This peninsula struggles to find the balance between finding qualified educators to help further the growth of it's people, but continue to show preferential treatment to those of European descent. The yearning to become a major power or just an equal within the world setting has pushed Korea to hire almost anyone who applies, but has a higher priority of focusing on the above mentioned group. Since coming to this country, the lack of professionalism from some of the foreigners as well as the Koreans have made me question why people even want to be a teacher. The lack of concern for the welfare and development of the children is appalling.

Straddling the line between professionalism and caring too much for those that are entrusted to me has been a problem. Seclusion has been a fundamental way of keeping keeping my sanity. The change in social mentality has been one of the few aspects of myself that has changed since entering Korea. Most of my time has been engulfed by work. The freedom that was so fundamental in the decision making process has become a fleeting image. The constant need for lesson planning, reviewing of materials and preparation for the side jobs have become tedious and monotonous. Due to this, I tend to remove myself from most situations because, I do not have the energy to deal with everything. It feels as if I continue to give more of myself without taking the time to recharge or get anything back in return.

Let us retract to the focal point of this entry. For the first time in a week, I was able to have a decent conversation with my co-teacher. The days leading up to and a few days after his meeting with Robert, the teacher that I replaced, his attitude towards me had changed. He was aloof and unresponsive to almost anything I did or said and it began to eat away at me. No one can say that my expectations of others is higher than what I expect from myself. There is no one that I criticize more than myself. This need to do well has propelled me to recognition with my professors, my bosses, my co-workers and my parents. The need to please others is a sickness that is part of my character. The inability to do so creates an instability that invariably renders me to feeling useless.

Yet again, my tangents have guided me off topic. I finally asked my co-teacher about Roberts teaching style and what he thought about it when we were discussing teaching methods. Apparently, when Robert felt dejected and fed up with the students he would administer tests, exams, worksheets and other forms of busy work. So this was what some of my other teachers were using as a guide for me to follow? I can understand why some of the co-teachers were glad that he moved on. He has a warm personality that is easy for others to get along with was one of the points in his favor. So an outgoing personality and being white can get you far in Korea.

Well, I am staying another year if offered a new contract.

Change can Happen

I have become extremely fascinated by personal character assessment psychology lately. After Amy did her's, I could not help wanting to know more about my character. I ended up being classified as an ISFJ. http://www.e-mbti.com/isfj.php

If anyone has some spare time, go and take the quiz. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

I have always questioned why I hold on to relationships with people that are no good for me and this kind of gives insight into why. I am not exactly sure if I have the strongest feelings in favor of the more positive traits that it gave me, but the flaws I can see. Especially the bottling up until I explode or hold a negative opinion of someone that is difficult to undo. I won't lie and say that I have completely let go of all the hostile feelings I have had about people in my past, but it does not affect how I live my everyday life. For example, I don't think about Caleb or what happened in the past with use, but when someone brings him up, I can't help but cringe. If it came down to forgiving, letting go and maybe start over, I would, but we have nothing in common. I try to live my life without hatred and for the most part it is working out. I just can't change my personality completely and refrain from saying a smart-ass comment every now and then.

This was all a prelude into saying that I am grateful for not giving up on people too quickly, because sometimes people can make you proud for not losing faith in them. With one of the other foreigners, he has been driving friends away with his excessive complaining about Korea, but stays here. The worst part is that he says it to Koreans. He is the type that consistently asks for favors without offering anything in return. Yesterday, I hung out with him and we had a good conversation with minimum complaining. He paid for my dinner and movie ticket that night as well, something that he has never done before either. It was a birthday gift and I think the best gift was that it shows that people can grow out of their selfishness.