The verge of spring has allowed many insecurities to manifest. The new school year has become a burden and English classes have not even started. Attending one of my schools' welcoming dinner allowed me hear what others thought about me. With alcohol abundantly flowing; teachers who would be too petrified to speak to me tried to be more open while those who were always kind began to give observations on my character. The general consensus; I am a kind and caring individual who always has a bright smile on his face, but they do not get to see the insecure and self-deprecating side that close friends and family see. For centuries, literature has been littered with characters of similar description and it almost feels dated to be this way.
Can a person truly be happy all the time? Living life as though no hardship or doubt is insurmountable proves to be taxing. I want to see in myself, what I see in others. Instead of focusing on the lackluster qualities, why not concentrate on the more favorable ones. The life that I live is not even my own. Always in search of approval, the worry of what others think dictate my self worth. Even if my looks, one aspect that I find below par, was not to be factored into the equation would I be happy? No, because it is just one of the obstacles that I place in front of myself as an excuse.
The biggest blow came when I expressed my loneliness to my mom during our weekly talk. The topic of how most people around me have or had found love and it is something I lack and want. I had expressed the fear of not finding it and that was the first time were I felt as if my parents did not understand me. I know that they love me unconditionally, but I am not sure if they are as modern as I have always perceived them to be. I wold never want them to lie to me to lull me into a state of false promises, but the options my mom laid out felt as if a loving relationship was not even a possibility. One option was to move back to be close to family that love me. The other was to wait until I get older to adopt a child and focus my energy into that individual. In the past, these would have been good enough options, but not anymore. Most of the blame falls on me because I have never expressed any desire to pursue a relationship so my parents have come to think of me as a neutral being. The reality of what my mom said/did not say hurt, at first, because it felt as if romantic love was not a possibility for me.
In other aspects of my life, I am willing to take risk, but not in love. I have uprooted myself from everyone and everything I knew to move to Korea in hopes of learning more about myself and a different culture. I am grateful for this experience because I have been able to grow to my full potential in this country. Now it is time for me to move on and continue to improve. I am not sure if I can be more relaxed when it comes to romantic love, but it is worth trying. At 24, to believe in first love sounds like wishful thinking, but I want to think that it is possible. Soon another chapter will unfold and hopefully I will be brave enough to obtain what I want.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Heart Pains
The atmosphere around school has been a mixture of excitement due to the end of the school term, sadness because of sixth grade graduation, and surprisingly the lack of gravity when referring to two students losing their father. It is difficult to fathom how much pain must be coursing through the hearts and minds of these children because they lost their mother last year, received a step-mother that did not want to take care of them, had to witness their legal guardians fight over who needs to take responsibility for them, went to live in their church, having said step-mother try to send them off to the orphanage, yet still have the courage to smile. Their classmates talk about this recent matter with such ease and I know for a fact that most of them have dealt with a lose of a love at one point or another, but it does not negate how desensitized these kids are to death.
One can easily argue that their lack of a stable home life manufactured the product of their emotional state, but the country school children are the most genuinely loving individuals. If anything manifests from this here, it is not pity, but true admiration. On of the teacher says that the fifth grade boy has anger issues, which he bottles up inside, and does not know how to deal with them. The little experience that I have had with him has been the polar opposite of what I have been told. He has an apparent apprehension to being touched and does not put efforts into his studies, but I refuse to give up on him. Yes, he did flinch a little when I initiated a hug, but he quickly recovered and allowed me to embrace him. In class, he tends to be more introspective, but if opportunities arise, he will contribute to the lesson and there is true potential within him. His third grade sister could be described as the polar opposite. Although, she is not loud or overtly extroverted, she is a ray of sunshine when she smiles.
For some, the level of English that a students speaks incites a bond, but the opposite has rang true in my year of teaching. These children, for example, are not able to communicate with me beyond a few stock phrases before we begin playing charades with a mixture of English and Korean thrown in. It does not bother me that not all of my students speak English, because languages are difficult and not everyone thrives in this subject. They try so hard to communicate and I appreciate it.
How much can a teacher do for their students has been a reoccuring theme recently. Although, I understand that educators have taken advantage of students before and that has lead to this caution towards personal relationships, I still want to show these children that someone does love and care about them. I hope that they will get to stay at the school because they need some form of stability in their lives.
I have also become hesitant towards meeting students outside of the classroom because a religious nut bag has tried to use a student to convert me before. One of my favorite students asked me to hot chocolate one day out of the blue, and I agreed, to find out that the preacher had filled his head with notions of me burning in hell if he did not get me baptized immediately. So, now, I am apprehensive to one of my former students asking to see me. Maybe, I am being overtly cautious, but this seems like a conspiracy. This student takes piano lessons with the too friendly, borderline intrusive teacher that I cut ties with in the spring. She started to text me again after months of nothing. She is extremely religious and I fear that this all intertwines somewhere. I should take my friends advice and not think of this as a trap until it unfolds that way because it could be that the student really does want to see me. I will try my best to stay positive even though there are so many elements that scream entrapment.
One can easily argue that their lack of a stable home life manufactured the product of their emotional state, but the country school children are the most genuinely loving individuals. If anything manifests from this here, it is not pity, but true admiration. On of the teacher says that the fifth grade boy has anger issues, which he bottles up inside, and does not know how to deal with them. The little experience that I have had with him has been the polar opposite of what I have been told. He has an apparent apprehension to being touched and does not put efforts into his studies, but I refuse to give up on him. Yes, he did flinch a little when I initiated a hug, but he quickly recovered and allowed me to embrace him. In class, he tends to be more introspective, but if opportunities arise, he will contribute to the lesson and there is true potential within him. His third grade sister could be described as the polar opposite. Although, she is not loud or overtly extroverted, she is a ray of sunshine when she smiles.
For some, the level of English that a students speaks incites a bond, but the opposite has rang true in my year of teaching. These children, for example, are not able to communicate with me beyond a few stock phrases before we begin playing charades with a mixture of English and Korean thrown in. It does not bother me that not all of my students speak English, because languages are difficult and not everyone thrives in this subject. They try so hard to communicate and I appreciate it.
How much can a teacher do for their students has been a reoccuring theme recently. Although, I understand that educators have taken advantage of students before and that has lead to this caution towards personal relationships, I still want to show these children that someone does love and care about them. I hope that they will get to stay at the school because they need some form of stability in their lives.
I have also become hesitant towards meeting students outside of the classroom because a religious nut bag has tried to use a student to convert me before. One of my favorite students asked me to hot chocolate one day out of the blue, and I agreed, to find out that the preacher had filled his head with notions of me burning in hell if he did not get me baptized immediately. So, now, I am apprehensive to one of my former students asking to see me. Maybe, I am being overtly cautious, but this seems like a conspiracy. This student takes piano lessons with the too friendly, borderline intrusive teacher that I cut ties with in the spring. She started to text me again after months of nothing. She is extremely religious and I fear that this all intertwines somewhere. I should take my friends advice and not think of this as a trap until it unfolds that way because it could be that the student really does want to see me. I will try my best to stay positive even though there are so many elements that scream entrapment.
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