The verge of spring has allowed many insecurities to manifest. The new school year has become a burden and English classes have not even started. Attending one of my schools' welcoming dinner allowed me hear what others thought about me. With alcohol abundantly flowing; teachers who would be too petrified to speak to me tried to be more open while those who were always kind began to give observations on my character. The general consensus; I am a kind and caring individual who always has a bright smile on his face, but they do not get to see the insecure and self-deprecating side that close friends and family see. For centuries, literature has been littered with characters of similar description and it almost feels dated to be this way.
Can a person truly be happy all the time? Living life as though no hardship or doubt is insurmountable proves to be taxing. I want to see in myself, what I see in others. Instead of focusing on the lackluster qualities, why not concentrate on the more favorable ones. The life that I live is not even my own. Always in search of approval, the worry of what others think dictate my self worth. Even if my looks, one aspect that I find below par, was not to be factored into the equation would I be happy? No, because it is just one of the obstacles that I place in front of myself as an excuse.
The biggest blow came when I expressed my loneliness to my mom during our weekly talk. The topic of how most people around me have or had found love and it is something I lack and want. I had expressed the fear of not finding it and that was the first time were I felt as if my parents did not understand me. I know that they love me unconditionally, but I am not sure if they are as modern as I have always perceived them to be. I wold never want them to lie to me to lull me into a state of false promises, but the options my mom laid out felt as if a loving relationship was not even a possibility. One option was to move back to be close to family that love me. The other was to wait until I get older to adopt a child and focus my energy into that individual. In the past, these would have been good enough options, but not anymore. Most of the blame falls on me because I have never expressed any desire to pursue a relationship so my parents have come to think of me as a neutral being. The reality of what my mom said/did not say hurt, at first, because it felt as if romantic love was not a possibility for me.
In other aspects of my life, I am willing to take risk, but not in love. I have uprooted myself from everyone and everything I knew to move to Korea in hopes of learning more about myself and a different culture. I am grateful for this experience because I have been able to grow to my full potential in this country. Now it is time for me to move on and continue to improve. I am not sure if I can be more relaxed when it comes to romantic love, but it is worth trying. At 24, to believe in first love sounds like wishful thinking, but I want to think that it is possible. Soon another chapter will unfold and hopefully I will be brave enough to obtain what I want.
No comments:
Post a Comment