Shaken Foundation

Faith in myself is not a quality that I possess. The desire to have internal balance is always thrown askew when a difficult situation presents itself. Racism or racial preference has always been a part of Korean culture, but I have not felt the effects as much as when I first applied for this job and now with some of my co-teachers. This peninsula struggles to find the balance between finding qualified educators to help further the growth of it's people, but continue to show preferential treatment to those of European descent. The yearning to become a major power or just an equal within the world setting has pushed Korea to hire almost anyone who applies, but has a higher priority of focusing on the above mentioned group. Since coming to this country, the lack of professionalism from some of the foreigners as well as the Koreans have made me question why people even want to be a teacher. The lack of concern for the welfare and development of the children is appalling.

Straddling the line between professionalism and caring too much for those that are entrusted to me has been a problem. Seclusion has been a fundamental way of keeping keeping my sanity. The change in social mentality has been one of the few aspects of myself that has changed since entering Korea. Most of my time has been engulfed by work. The freedom that was so fundamental in the decision making process has become a fleeting image. The constant need for lesson planning, reviewing of materials and preparation for the side jobs have become tedious and monotonous. Due to this, I tend to remove myself from most situations because, I do not have the energy to deal with everything. It feels as if I continue to give more of myself without taking the time to recharge or get anything back in return.

Let us retract to the focal point of this entry. For the first time in a week, I was able to have a decent conversation with my co-teacher. The days leading up to and a few days after his meeting with Robert, the teacher that I replaced, his attitude towards me had changed. He was aloof and unresponsive to almost anything I did or said and it began to eat away at me. No one can say that my expectations of others is higher than what I expect from myself. There is no one that I criticize more than myself. This need to do well has propelled me to recognition with my professors, my bosses, my co-workers and my parents. The need to please others is a sickness that is part of my character. The inability to do so creates an instability that invariably renders me to feeling useless.

Yet again, my tangents have guided me off topic. I finally asked my co-teacher about Roberts teaching style and what he thought about it when we were discussing teaching methods. Apparently, when Robert felt dejected and fed up with the students he would administer tests, exams, worksheets and other forms of busy work. So this was what some of my other teachers were using as a guide for me to follow? I can understand why some of the co-teachers were glad that he moved on. He has a warm personality that is easy for others to get along with was one of the points in his favor. So an outgoing personality and being white can get you far in Korea.

Well, I am staying another year if offered a new contract.

Change can Happen

I have become extremely fascinated by personal character assessment psychology lately. After Amy did her's, I could not help wanting to know more about my character. I ended up being classified as an ISFJ. http://www.e-mbti.com/isfj.php

If anyone has some spare time, go and take the quiz. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

I have always questioned why I hold on to relationships with people that are no good for me and this kind of gives insight into why. I am not exactly sure if I have the strongest feelings in favor of the more positive traits that it gave me, but the flaws I can see. Especially the bottling up until I explode or hold a negative opinion of someone that is difficult to undo. I won't lie and say that I have completely let go of all the hostile feelings I have had about people in my past, but it does not affect how I live my everyday life. For example, I don't think about Caleb or what happened in the past with use, but when someone brings him up, I can't help but cringe. If it came down to forgiving, letting go and maybe start over, I would, but we have nothing in common. I try to live my life without hatred and for the most part it is working out. I just can't change my personality completely and refrain from saying a smart-ass comment every now and then.

This was all a prelude into saying that I am grateful for not giving up on people too quickly, because sometimes people can make you proud for not losing faith in them. With one of the other foreigners, he has been driving friends away with his excessive complaining about Korea, but stays here. The worst part is that he says it to Koreans. He is the type that consistently asks for favors without offering anything in return. Yesterday, I hung out with him and we had a good conversation with minimum complaining. He paid for my dinner and movie ticket that night as well, something that he has never done before either. It was a birthday gift and I think the best gift was that it shows that people can grow out of their selfishness.

Homesickness/Independence

The longer that I am away from home, makes me miss it a little more. I have every intention of renewing a contract if it is presented to me but it does not stop the pangs of loneliness. I am comfortable in Korea, but there are so many aspects of my old life that is not here. I wish that I could go chill with the guys, eat dinner with one of my many families, hang out with my girls and attend gay church, be protective of my baby sister or show my parents that I have grown into someone they could be proud of, but I can't from so far away.

I told a friend recently that this has been one of the happiest times of my life and I am not lying, but I would be if I did not say that I did not admit to being lonely sometimes. I have some friends here, and they are great, but I find that I go into seclusion sometimes and try to distance myself. Back at home there was no such thing as personal space. None of us gave each other the luxury of being away from the others.

I miss sitting with Trina and Kristina gossiping about things that are only fascinating to us, I miss board game and video game nights with the guys, I miss seeing my family on a daily basis, but there is something bigger that is holding me to Korea. I am not sure why, but I just cannot leave yet.

I am trying to think positively and focus upon the good aspects of Korea. I have awesome kids, making great money, have an overall good life that is satisfying. If only I could have the best of both worlds. This lifestyle plus my old one as well. It is nice to hear from friends and family from home. Everyone seems to be doing well and it is funny to hear everyone talk about a few care packages that I might end up getting by the time I come home. At least people are being honest and telling me that it is in limbo. :p thanks guys.

Life Does Not Always Pan Out As You Wish

I do not seem to write as often as I use to, but that is because nothing particularly special happens in my life. So it is no surprise that the most eventful thing to happen to me is the lost of my necklace. Of course everyone wishes that they could lose something that can be easily replace or nothing at all, but that specific item had quite a bit of sentimental value behind it.

It was the last thing that my grandma gave to me before she passed away. She purchased it when she was still healthy and actually picked it out specifically because I asked for one. Without it, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Stress and worry definitely plays a role in making people sick. Although, I have never been an avid follower or condemner of Chinese superstition, it now eases my mind a bit after a conversation with my mom. My dad had said, "Maybe she(my grandma) wanted it back" and if that is the case than I am more than willing to let it go. I know that in Chinese culture there always seems to be an answer to all of the problems in the world and I can see why this way of thinking has lasted so long.

Human beings innate need to see a purpose, for the good and the bad, propels us to look for a deeper meaning behind event. It also raises the question of whether or not as humans we are trying to evade responsibility by attributing these losses to a power greater than our own. Then why do we also credit external beings with the great success we achieve as well. Which shows that we are not completely selfish for wanting to believe in this.

I have been feeling lonely recently. I enjoy being on my own and having to solve my own problems, but I miss everyone so much. I think that this event with the necklace pushed me over the edge. I did not realize that I hold such sentimental meanings behind items.

Maybe it is the old fashion Asian in me, but I feel as if this string of bad events occurred because I took a pure feeling such as gratitude for not having to endure the hardships that other people around me have had to and let it grow to pride. A part of me wants to go home so bad, because I know I will never truly feel comfortable or at ease here, but that is a good thing. As Jack and Trina always tell, that sense of comfort stunts personal growth. I just sometimes wish that I was living in a country that I spoke the language.

The hardest part about it all is that it will be the first time I spend a birthday away from my family and most of my friends. I know that I am known as the crafty one for lying about my birthday, but it is nice to just spend time with people. I might not readily admit my birthday, but when people do something kind for me I appreciate it very much. I kind of hope that this one just passes by.

Lesson:
Pride or attachment to material objects are a form of shackles that keep us bound to this world. To ever gain true understanding of the spiritual world, we sooner or later need to lose this constraint. Easier said than done, but I will strive to reach a form of enlightenment.

Emotional Sobriety in an Intoxicated Korea

So my life from Korea has been less than eventful. I wish that I could
write about some grandeous adventure that I have been on and great
tales about the wonderful places that I have traveled, but I have done
none of that. I have either been working, working, planning for work
or going to Seoul. I have hung out with people more often recently and
have deviated from my hermit lifestyle, but it has been at the expense
of my waistline. I am always in this changing limbo, that I do not
enjoy.

I have joined Costco. They have a few in Seoul and a couple others
sporadically spread about Korea. I go there to buy my foreign goods.
It is so difficult to find good cheese and the stuff that I get there
is the 2lb blocks that I would not touch at home. It is nice to see
some familiar goods. I bought oatmeal, granola bars, sharp cheddar,
unsalted almonds, fiber drinks and some Crown Royal. The Koreans
around me must have thought that I was nuts because I was jumping for
joy when I saw it and skipped to show my friend. The sad part is that
the bottle is almost gone. It was not me though, I maybe drank 1/5 of
the bottle but the majority of it was consumed by Korean friends who
are intrigued by foreign alcohols.

So my workload has grown exponentially because I do not know how to
say no. I keep taking on more things because people keep asking me and
I cannot say no to kids. I am starting to get to the point that I
cannot take on anymore. The planning is the most stressful because
when I get there it is ok. Planning and preparation just takes so much
time and effort. I wanted a part-time job that had benefits and got a
full-time workload instead. It is good money to do all of these extra
jobs on the side though because I am getting paid over time or better
for it all.

I sometimes fear that work will consume me and I do not want to be one
of those people whose life revolves around work. Love the kids, like
most of the teachers, some of the administration is less than desirable
and private lessons are all over the place.

Receiving a dose of reality in the form of a love one being on the
brink. No amount of preparation can get you to be okay with
such a lose. Even though, everyone was prepared for it to happen it
still elicits so many emotions. I hope that the family will pull
together and over come such devastating circumstances and be able to
celebrate the life of such a beautiful woman. My heart goes out to the extended family, the Miller family.

The Earnest Truth

As each day passes, I find myself engaged in this constant struggle against some douchebag people. If it is not a certain school with their administration, it is another school coming to collect the the belongings of the previous inhabitant's apartment.

It is an awkward mix of comfort and agitation that fills most of my days in Korea.
I am having issues with one school in particular. I have lost my desk and computer to the P.E. teacher, the administration mocks me and I have been told that my wild hair is not acceptable for school. There is a new English wing to the school and I have been told that I can set up my computer there. So it will be nice to not have to see the administration on a daily basis and have my own private area.

There was a final dinner meeting with all of the teachers from Naeto elementary school. It was a fun time; I got to hang out with my friends, talk to another foreign teacher and get to meet some of the teachers that I did not meet during the school year. I went to the Noraebong (Singing Room) again, just to be a good sport, and found that it was enjoyable to get to know my colleagues. I was constantly harassed by this forty year old woman who kept asking me to marry her. I hope that it was just a joke, but she was persistent and wanted a kiss at the end of the night. NG, there was no amount of alcohol that would make me fall into that pitfall.

At 10, in the morning, I was greeted with a knock on my door and a demand for items back. I moved into this new apartment because of the outbreak of mold that infested my old room. There is a new foreign teacher that will be moving into that apartment so they are cleaning it right now. If they would have just fixed it like I had asked for then I would not need to move and save us all the trouble, but since they were stubborn I had to put my foot down and demand to move. So now, they want all of the stuff that Grace (my friend who lived in this apartment before me) back for the new teacher. I do not mind giving up the things that I have doubles of or do not need, but some of the items have become an extension of this apartment. Bookcases that prop up appliances, dishes, a cabinet in the bathroom. It seems as if they are trying to make a fuss for the purpose of doing so. In other words, they are being douchebags.

Thank goodness that I have made friends that give me the complete different perspective of Korea. I was talking with another foreign teacher and even though I was defending this country for it's contradictory standards, I was also getting agitated by the lack of respect that we are shown in this country. I do not like the standard of oppression that they show towards women. I do not like how we, as foreigners, are not shown respect by some of the older generations. I understand that we are coming into their country; many for the first time, making better money than them without having to partake in the painstaking amount of work they had to endure and pose as a reminder that their system would rather trust an outsider to teach their kids than them, but we only signed up for what was thought of as an opportunity to see a different side of the world.

I am also having issues with some of the friends that I have made. It seems as if this one particular individual has become more of a bother than anything else. Her implications that I am dating my neighbor, have feelings for my co-teacher/friend and intrusive behavior has begun to turn me off of this friendship. She is usually really nice, but she has no concept of when to scale back.

I am getting more frustrated by the situation at hand. The only thing that keeps me in this place is the friends that I have made and the kids. There are still many aspects of Korea that I enjoy, but right now I just needed to vent about the frustrations of this country.

Kick It Up!

So I have been on vacation for the past week. It was sad to say goodbye to some friends that went back to California this weekend but it was nice spending some time in Seoul with one of them. Eating western food was never more enjoyable. I got some CPK and a Long Island, so life was pretty good. In truth, my Long Island's are better, but you have to take what you can get.

In the midst of all of my happiness, there are a few dark spots that bother me about Korea. Although my recruiter was not completely truthful with me in regards to my contracts and obligations I cannot hold it again him or cannot get myself to waste the energy to. I know that people are upset with me because my school schedule does not sync up with the vacations they originally planned but that is truly out of my hands. I do not control the school boards and cannot make them give me time off. I technically should be at school with the other teachers during some of this break time but they wave that. My vacation was too sporadic for me to travel anywhere during winter and it sucks but I am over it. I just hope that during summer vacation I can travel and see the countries around Korea. Right now it is nice that I am able to explore Korea though. I am learning that truth hiding/evading/neglecting is part of the culture in Korea and it is not worth getting agitated over.

I have to say that Korea has some awesome fashion. It is all of the stuff that I wish I had at home. Zippers that are not symmetrically placed on the jacket, high collared jackets, connected hoodie scarves, hoodies with bold prints and masks sewn into them and everything you could ever imagine. I need to lose weight to fit into some of these things, but on a brighter note, I have lost 14-15 pounds since coming to Korea! I just need to lose another 40 pounds or just slim down and build up some muscle.

I called my mom today to see how she was doing. She is not in any pain but the medication that she is on makes her dizzy and sick most of the time. She is going in for an x-ray tomorrow to see if everything is ok. The conversation started with her crying but I was relieved to see that she was smiling and laughing half way through. I had the talk with my mom that I have been dreading and it went better than I could have imagined. She brought it up by telling me about how my dad thinks that I will stay in Korea because I seem to be enjoying myself here. I asked her what she thought if I stayed for an extra year and would she be ok with it. She said that she would be fine as long as I am happy. I told her that I would get a month vacation if I renewed my contract and they would pay for my plane ticket home. With that, I might stay longer.