When pushed to the edge.

This past month sure has been eventful to say the least. The self made chaos almost spiraled out of control, but has been reigned in for now. The craziness of being hospitalized for a day, placed under constant supervision, the invasiveness of an IV and then placed on mandatory bed rest has taught me that working to the point of exhaustion is not a good way to live. Money should not be the main motivator in the determination of one’s life and to live in isolation does not truly ease the discomfort of loneliness.

There are periods where I do reminisce about what was or obsess about the future, but now the present is the only thing of true importance. Regret tends to be such a wasteful emotion, why bother with feeling awkward or despondent about an event or moment that occurred in the past. Easier said then done, but the cycles of self-deprecation and contempt has substantially decreased.

In all honesty, there never seems to be a moment of peace in this mind. When the promise of transcendence appears, some squalor of discourse materializes to dash the too short amount of tranquility. I have come to my wits end when it comes to insubordination; what once was possible to overlook has turned to be the agenda for reform and cannot be condoned anymore. The city schools have become this beast that is uncontrollable; when it comes to children, the leeway granted use to be vast, but has begun to dwindle with my patience. The blatant disrespect for the “faux” teacher culminated in a few uncharacteristic outbursts. For instance; one student, in particular, will always start fights with others during break period, for some reason he thought he could get away with laying a hand on me so the retaliation was a swift smack across his face. The next week another student thought it would be hilarious to perform a sliding tackle, which ended with a few strikes by his own slipper. A girl thought that the best way to gain my attention while I was helping another student with their composition was to scream in my ear from a foot away. A quick lash from a folder binding across her arm and being sent on out of the classroom was the kindest penalty that would get through to her. The for the most part, it is the same students that seem to push these boundaries. Their faces tend to be ever present in the category of most disrespectful and foul mannered degenerates that I have ever been so displeased to meet. There are nights where the question of whether it was necessary to use corporal punishment on them was appropriate, but the use of kindness and positive reinforcement has only lead to worst behavior.

I am not proud of whom I have become, but I am not ashamed of it either. Korea, in general, emphasizes respect towards one’s teacher, but there tends to be a lack of that towards the foreign educator. The line between instructor and friend often confuses the students; I might be closer to their age then other their teachers, share the same interest as them and joke around with them more, but they cannot forget all their manners.

While the stress of the job has crept up, turning to my social life has been a relief. The weekends have been a lifesaver. The amount spent is less than desirable, but if it guarantees my sanity then I make due. Work hard to play hard eh.