Note to Self

Remember that people might be innately flawed but also trust that they have some goodness in them as well.

Finding My Comforts and Me.

I started this as a way to map out the trips, adventures and memories that I would embark upon but it has slowly began to wither away. The life of a teacher is nothing exciting during the school year, but hopefully that will change during break. Many people know that I have the intention of staying in Korea for another year to see my sixth grade kids graduate, make more money and to see the parts of Asia that I failed to during winter vacation.

I have a tendency of only saying the negative aspects about Korea when talking to friends back at home. I don't often share the good parts because those are the bits that I hang on to. The acidic remarks or condescending behavior is something I need to vent about and then let go which was what I was doing. These remarks have worried a majority of people and their only view of Korea is not that pleasant. I apologize for that. Besides the crazy people that I often come across, life in this country is suitable and rather comfortable. It will come off as me focusing on the negative, but I do have many things that I am grateful for. Even though I have become more reclusive, the small group of friends that surround me are good at keeping me grounded. I make an excellent wage that could put a substantial amount of money into my bank account and that is always a plus. The kids are the biggest reason to stay though. I know people might not understand, but I want to make a difference for them. By giving them a little bit of consistency, even if it is only for one more year, can be a monumental turning point. It might be unhealthy to be so attached to my children, but the little comments or things that they do make me feel like it is worth it.

I have started to decorate my apartment. It began very slowly, but the momentum has picked up. I finally bought real curtains for my balcony windows, with bamboo blinds for my laundry area following soon after. The shower curtain is a room divider for my entryway/bathroom area and the main room. I want to find a beige/tan or chocolate colored area rug to put on the the floor to give the room a little warmth. Also in the search for square wall accents in the same colors to give more character to these bare walls. When I come home, I want to print out some pictures of Las Vegas during the day and night as well as all the things that makes that city special to make a collage. In Korea, they have this really cute idea of hanging up yarn and clipping photos onto it with these tiny decorative clips that resemble the ones you use for clothes. I want to put some pics over my bed. If it is the last thing I do, this apartment will feel like a home for the next year.

Shaken Foundation

Faith in myself is not a quality that I possess. The desire to have internal balance is always thrown askew when a difficult situation presents itself. Racism or racial preference has always been a part of Korean culture, but I have not felt the effects as much as when I first applied for this job and now with some of my co-teachers. This peninsula struggles to find the balance between finding qualified educators to help further the growth of it's people, but continue to show preferential treatment to those of European descent. The yearning to become a major power or just an equal within the world setting has pushed Korea to hire almost anyone who applies, but has a higher priority of focusing on the above mentioned group. Since coming to this country, the lack of professionalism from some of the foreigners as well as the Koreans have made me question why people even want to be a teacher. The lack of concern for the welfare and development of the children is appalling.

Straddling the line between professionalism and caring too much for those that are entrusted to me has been a problem. Seclusion has been a fundamental way of keeping keeping my sanity. The change in social mentality has been one of the few aspects of myself that has changed since entering Korea. Most of my time has been engulfed by work. The freedom that was so fundamental in the decision making process has become a fleeting image. The constant need for lesson planning, reviewing of materials and preparation for the side jobs have become tedious and monotonous. Due to this, I tend to remove myself from most situations because, I do not have the energy to deal with everything. It feels as if I continue to give more of myself without taking the time to recharge or get anything back in return.

Let us retract to the focal point of this entry. For the first time in a week, I was able to have a decent conversation with my co-teacher. The days leading up to and a few days after his meeting with Robert, the teacher that I replaced, his attitude towards me had changed. He was aloof and unresponsive to almost anything I did or said and it began to eat away at me. No one can say that my expectations of others is higher than what I expect from myself. There is no one that I criticize more than myself. This need to do well has propelled me to recognition with my professors, my bosses, my co-workers and my parents. The need to please others is a sickness that is part of my character. The inability to do so creates an instability that invariably renders me to feeling useless.

Yet again, my tangents have guided me off topic. I finally asked my co-teacher about Roberts teaching style and what he thought about it when we were discussing teaching methods. Apparently, when Robert felt dejected and fed up with the students he would administer tests, exams, worksheets and other forms of busy work. So this was what some of my other teachers were using as a guide for me to follow? I can understand why some of the co-teachers were glad that he moved on. He has a warm personality that is easy for others to get along with was one of the points in his favor. So an outgoing personality and being white can get you far in Korea.

Well, I am staying another year if offered a new contract.

Change can Happen

I have become extremely fascinated by personal character assessment psychology lately. After Amy did her's, I could not help wanting to know more about my character. I ended up being classified as an ISFJ. http://www.e-mbti.com/isfj.php

If anyone has some spare time, go and take the quiz. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

I have always questioned why I hold on to relationships with people that are no good for me and this kind of gives insight into why. I am not exactly sure if I have the strongest feelings in favor of the more positive traits that it gave me, but the flaws I can see. Especially the bottling up until I explode or hold a negative opinion of someone that is difficult to undo. I won't lie and say that I have completely let go of all the hostile feelings I have had about people in my past, but it does not affect how I live my everyday life. For example, I don't think about Caleb or what happened in the past with use, but when someone brings him up, I can't help but cringe. If it came down to forgiving, letting go and maybe start over, I would, but we have nothing in common. I try to live my life without hatred and for the most part it is working out. I just can't change my personality completely and refrain from saying a smart-ass comment every now and then.

This was all a prelude into saying that I am grateful for not giving up on people too quickly, because sometimes people can make you proud for not losing faith in them. With one of the other foreigners, he has been driving friends away with his excessive complaining about Korea, but stays here. The worst part is that he says it to Koreans. He is the type that consistently asks for favors without offering anything in return. Yesterday, I hung out with him and we had a good conversation with minimum complaining. He paid for my dinner and movie ticket that night as well, something that he has never done before either. It was a birthday gift and I think the best gift was that it shows that people can grow out of their selfishness.

Homesickness/Independence

The longer that I am away from home, makes me miss it a little more. I have every intention of renewing a contract if it is presented to me but it does not stop the pangs of loneliness. I am comfortable in Korea, but there are so many aspects of my old life that is not here. I wish that I could go chill with the guys, eat dinner with one of my many families, hang out with my girls and attend gay church, be protective of my baby sister or show my parents that I have grown into someone they could be proud of, but I can't from so far away.

I told a friend recently that this has been one of the happiest times of my life and I am not lying, but I would be if I did not say that I did not admit to being lonely sometimes. I have some friends here, and they are great, but I find that I go into seclusion sometimes and try to distance myself. Back at home there was no such thing as personal space. None of us gave each other the luxury of being away from the others.

I miss sitting with Trina and Kristina gossiping about things that are only fascinating to us, I miss board game and video game nights with the guys, I miss seeing my family on a daily basis, but there is something bigger that is holding me to Korea. I am not sure why, but I just cannot leave yet.

I am trying to think positively and focus upon the good aspects of Korea. I have awesome kids, making great money, have an overall good life that is satisfying. If only I could have the best of both worlds. This lifestyle plus my old one as well. It is nice to hear from friends and family from home. Everyone seems to be doing well and it is funny to hear everyone talk about a few care packages that I might end up getting by the time I come home. At least people are being honest and telling me that it is in limbo. :p thanks guys.

Life Does Not Always Pan Out As You Wish

I do not seem to write as often as I use to, but that is because nothing particularly special happens in my life. So it is no surprise that the most eventful thing to happen to me is the lost of my necklace. Of course everyone wishes that they could lose something that can be easily replace or nothing at all, but that specific item had quite a bit of sentimental value behind it.

It was the last thing that my grandma gave to me before she passed away. She purchased it when she was still healthy and actually picked it out specifically because I asked for one. Without it, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Stress and worry definitely plays a role in making people sick. Although, I have never been an avid follower or condemner of Chinese superstition, it now eases my mind a bit after a conversation with my mom. My dad had said, "Maybe she(my grandma) wanted it back" and if that is the case than I am more than willing to let it go. I know that in Chinese culture there always seems to be an answer to all of the problems in the world and I can see why this way of thinking has lasted so long.

Human beings innate need to see a purpose, for the good and the bad, propels us to look for a deeper meaning behind event. It also raises the question of whether or not as humans we are trying to evade responsibility by attributing these losses to a power greater than our own. Then why do we also credit external beings with the great success we achieve as well. Which shows that we are not completely selfish for wanting to believe in this.

I have been feeling lonely recently. I enjoy being on my own and having to solve my own problems, but I miss everyone so much. I think that this event with the necklace pushed me over the edge. I did not realize that I hold such sentimental meanings behind items.

Maybe it is the old fashion Asian in me, but I feel as if this string of bad events occurred because I took a pure feeling such as gratitude for not having to endure the hardships that other people around me have had to and let it grow to pride. A part of me wants to go home so bad, because I know I will never truly feel comfortable or at ease here, but that is a good thing. As Jack and Trina always tell, that sense of comfort stunts personal growth. I just sometimes wish that I was living in a country that I spoke the language.

The hardest part about it all is that it will be the first time I spend a birthday away from my family and most of my friends. I know that I am known as the crafty one for lying about my birthday, but it is nice to just spend time with people. I might not readily admit my birthday, but when people do something kind for me I appreciate it very much. I kind of hope that this one just passes by.

Lesson:
Pride or attachment to material objects are a form of shackles that keep us bound to this world. To ever gain true understanding of the spiritual world, we sooner or later need to lose this constraint. Easier said than done, but I will strive to reach a form of enlightenment.

Emotional Sobriety in an Intoxicated Korea

So my life from Korea has been less than eventful. I wish that I could
write about some grandeous adventure that I have been on and great
tales about the wonderful places that I have traveled, but I have done
none of that. I have either been working, working, planning for work
or going to Seoul. I have hung out with people more often recently and
have deviated from my hermit lifestyle, but it has been at the expense
of my waistline. I am always in this changing limbo, that I do not
enjoy.

I have joined Costco. They have a few in Seoul and a couple others
sporadically spread about Korea. I go there to buy my foreign goods.
It is so difficult to find good cheese and the stuff that I get there
is the 2lb blocks that I would not touch at home. It is nice to see
some familiar goods. I bought oatmeal, granola bars, sharp cheddar,
unsalted almonds, fiber drinks and some Crown Royal. The Koreans
around me must have thought that I was nuts because I was jumping for
joy when I saw it and skipped to show my friend. The sad part is that
the bottle is almost gone. It was not me though, I maybe drank 1/5 of
the bottle but the majority of it was consumed by Korean friends who
are intrigued by foreign alcohols.

So my workload has grown exponentially because I do not know how to
say no. I keep taking on more things because people keep asking me and
I cannot say no to kids. I am starting to get to the point that I
cannot take on anymore. The planning is the most stressful because
when I get there it is ok. Planning and preparation just takes so much
time and effort. I wanted a part-time job that had benefits and got a
full-time workload instead. It is good money to do all of these extra
jobs on the side though because I am getting paid over time or better
for it all.

I sometimes fear that work will consume me and I do not want to be one
of those people whose life revolves around work. Love the kids, like
most of the teachers, some of the administration is less than desirable
and private lessons are all over the place.

Receiving a dose of reality in the form of a love one being on the
brink. No amount of preparation can get you to be okay with
such a lose. Even though, everyone was prepared for it to happen it
still elicits so many emotions. I hope that the family will pull
together and over come such devastating circumstances and be able to
celebrate the life of such a beautiful woman. My heart goes out to the extended family, the Miller family.