When I first got to Korea, I found myself extremely depressed because I felt as if I lost a part of my old life and therefore a piece of myself. I know that I am not an adventurous person by nature but I would like to think that I no longer dwell over the "what ifs" and "maybe this would happens".
I first notice this change when Justin and Maricel mentioned it. Maybe a year ago, I would not have been brave enough to get my tattoo but instead just talk about it. Then, I talked about moving out since finishing high school but never did anything about it. Afterwords, I spoke about how unhappy I was with working at Green Valley Ranch but stayed there because I made good money. This fear of the unknown crippled me and stunted my growth as an individual. It is odd to think about these small changes in my personality now a days but I sometimes wonder where I mustered up this yearning for change.
At home; I had my mom who coddled me, my sister who did everything I asked even if there was some hesitation in her response and friends who gave into my outlandish demands. Here, I fend for myself. I will not lie, I have had some help but it is only a fraction of what I received at home. I like to think of myself as evolving to be a better or more independent individual.
What was the catalyst that spawned this change in my personal character? I do not believe that I was a selfish person, I tried to give to others without expecting anything in return yet I felt as if I was and maybe still am self absorbed.
I have had a few conversations with other people and I am told that I have a certain magnetic personality. Even when I do not try, I become the center of attention and that can be stunting to the growth of others. When I came to Korea, I questioned if this was true, and if it was, then why was I having such a hard time adjusting and making friends. This was especially true because I felt as if no one was giving me a chance to be myself. I lived in the shadow cast by the last teacher. I have always made friends in all of my previous jobs so why was it so difficult here? I never factored in the fact that I did not initially enter any new situation and have everyone like me. It was always a gradual growth and that has eased my mind.
I just hope that I can come back and say that I have grown up. Maybe it is too early to think about this but I am unsure if I will go back home after this year. Until it is time to think more in-depth about it I will not rush to find a conclusion.
Writing this much about oneself is another example of whether I have changed at all. What a conundrum?
1 comment:
Take it easy! There's no reason for you to be thinking so far ahead. Who knows what'll happen in a year's time! We may all have kids. Or we may all be dead. Ok, those are the most extreme and require impossible circumstances, but you get my point.
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