The verge of spring has allowed many insecurities to manifest. The new school year has become a burden and English classes have not even started. Attending one of my schools' welcoming dinner allowed me hear what others thought about me. With alcohol abundantly flowing; teachers who would be too petrified to speak to me tried to be more open while those who were always kind began to give observations on my character. The general consensus; I am a kind and caring individual who always has a bright smile on his face, but they do not get to see the insecure and self-deprecating side that close friends and family see. For centuries, literature has been littered with characters of similar description and it almost feels dated to be this way.
Can a person truly be happy all the time? Living life as though no hardship or doubt is insurmountable proves to be taxing. I want to see in myself, what I see in others. Instead of focusing on the lackluster qualities, why not concentrate on the more favorable ones. The life that I live is not even my own. Always in search of approval, the worry of what others think dictate my self worth. Even if my looks, one aspect that I find below par, was not to be factored into the equation would I be happy? No, because it is just one of the obstacles that I place in front of myself as an excuse.
The biggest blow came when I expressed my loneliness to my mom during our weekly talk. The topic of how most people around me have or had found love and it is something I lack and want. I had expressed the fear of not finding it and that was the first time were I felt as if my parents did not understand me. I know that they love me unconditionally, but I am not sure if they are as modern as I have always perceived them to be. I wold never want them to lie to me to lull me into a state of false promises, but the options my mom laid out felt as if a loving relationship was not even a possibility. One option was to move back to be close to family that love me. The other was to wait until I get older to adopt a child and focus my energy into that individual. In the past, these would have been good enough options, but not anymore. Most of the blame falls on me because I have never expressed any desire to pursue a relationship so my parents have come to think of me as a neutral being. The reality of what my mom said/did not say hurt, at first, because it felt as if romantic love was not a possibility for me.
In other aspects of my life, I am willing to take risk, but not in love. I have uprooted myself from everyone and everything I knew to move to Korea in hopes of learning more about myself and a different culture. I am grateful for this experience because I have been able to grow to my full potential in this country. Now it is time for me to move on and continue to improve. I am not sure if I can be more relaxed when it comes to romantic love, but it is worth trying. At 24, to believe in first love sounds like wishful thinking, but I want to think that it is possible. Soon another chapter will unfold and hopefully I will be brave enough to obtain what I want.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Heart Pains
The atmosphere around school has been a mixture of excitement due to the end of the school term, sadness because of sixth grade graduation, and surprisingly the lack of gravity when referring to two students losing their father. It is difficult to fathom how much pain must be coursing through the hearts and minds of these children because they lost their mother last year, received a step-mother that did not want to take care of them, had to witness their legal guardians fight over who needs to take responsibility for them, went to live in their church, having said step-mother try to send them off to the orphanage, yet still have the courage to smile. Their classmates talk about this recent matter with such ease and I know for a fact that most of them have dealt with a lose of a love at one point or another, but it does not negate how desensitized these kids are to death.
One can easily argue that their lack of a stable home life manufactured the product of their emotional state, but the country school children are the most genuinely loving individuals. If anything manifests from this here, it is not pity, but true admiration. On of the teacher says that the fifth grade boy has anger issues, which he bottles up inside, and does not know how to deal with them. The little experience that I have had with him has been the polar opposite of what I have been told. He has an apparent apprehension to being touched and does not put efforts into his studies, but I refuse to give up on him. Yes, he did flinch a little when I initiated a hug, but he quickly recovered and allowed me to embrace him. In class, he tends to be more introspective, but if opportunities arise, he will contribute to the lesson and there is true potential within him. His third grade sister could be described as the polar opposite. Although, she is not loud or overtly extroverted, she is a ray of sunshine when she smiles.
For some, the level of English that a students speaks incites a bond, but the opposite has rang true in my year of teaching. These children, for example, are not able to communicate with me beyond a few stock phrases before we begin playing charades with a mixture of English and Korean thrown in. It does not bother me that not all of my students speak English, because languages are difficult and not everyone thrives in this subject. They try so hard to communicate and I appreciate it.
How much can a teacher do for their students has been a reoccuring theme recently. Although, I understand that educators have taken advantage of students before and that has lead to this caution towards personal relationships, I still want to show these children that someone does love and care about them. I hope that they will get to stay at the school because they need some form of stability in their lives.
I have also become hesitant towards meeting students outside of the classroom because a religious nut bag has tried to use a student to convert me before. One of my favorite students asked me to hot chocolate one day out of the blue, and I agreed, to find out that the preacher had filled his head with notions of me burning in hell if he did not get me baptized immediately. So, now, I am apprehensive to one of my former students asking to see me. Maybe, I am being overtly cautious, but this seems like a conspiracy. This student takes piano lessons with the too friendly, borderline intrusive teacher that I cut ties with in the spring. She started to text me again after months of nothing. She is extremely religious and I fear that this all intertwines somewhere. I should take my friends advice and not think of this as a trap until it unfolds that way because it could be that the student really does want to see me. I will try my best to stay positive even though there are so many elements that scream entrapment.
One can easily argue that their lack of a stable home life manufactured the product of their emotional state, but the country school children are the most genuinely loving individuals. If anything manifests from this here, it is not pity, but true admiration. On of the teacher says that the fifth grade boy has anger issues, which he bottles up inside, and does not know how to deal with them. The little experience that I have had with him has been the polar opposite of what I have been told. He has an apparent apprehension to being touched and does not put efforts into his studies, but I refuse to give up on him. Yes, he did flinch a little when I initiated a hug, but he quickly recovered and allowed me to embrace him. In class, he tends to be more introspective, but if opportunities arise, he will contribute to the lesson and there is true potential within him. His third grade sister could be described as the polar opposite. Although, she is not loud or overtly extroverted, she is a ray of sunshine when she smiles.
For some, the level of English that a students speaks incites a bond, but the opposite has rang true in my year of teaching. These children, for example, are not able to communicate with me beyond a few stock phrases before we begin playing charades with a mixture of English and Korean thrown in. It does not bother me that not all of my students speak English, because languages are difficult and not everyone thrives in this subject. They try so hard to communicate and I appreciate it.
How much can a teacher do for their students has been a reoccuring theme recently. Although, I understand that educators have taken advantage of students before and that has lead to this caution towards personal relationships, I still want to show these children that someone does love and care about them. I hope that they will get to stay at the school because they need some form of stability in their lives.
I have also become hesitant towards meeting students outside of the classroom because a religious nut bag has tried to use a student to convert me before. One of my favorite students asked me to hot chocolate one day out of the blue, and I agreed, to find out that the preacher had filled his head with notions of me burning in hell if he did not get me baptized immediately. So, now, I am apprehensive to one of my former students asking to see me. Maybe, I am being overtly cautious, but this seems like a conspiracy. This student takes piano lessons with the too friendly, borderline intrusive teacher that I cut ties with in the spring. She started to text me again after months of nothing. She is extremely religious and I fear that this all intertwines somewhere. I should take my friends advice and not think of this as a trap until it unfolds that way because it could be that the student really does want to see me. I will try my best to stay positive even though there are so many elements that scream entrapment.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The First Snow Fall
Another year has passed and the change of colors in the leaves are more of a welcomed sight than the last. The one year anniversary of my arrival to this foreign country has come and gone without much fuss and the feeling of home has set in. With time, even the most difficult of situations do not seem like such a big deal.
Korea holds a beauty that I have often neglected to see. No one carries more fault than myself for this. So fixated on work, I do not take enough time to bask in the simple splendors that life offers. In retrospect, it is laughable how adamantly I deny being a workaholic. With the quick fall; the exquisite hues of red, yellow, and orange leaves paint the mountainside with splashes of fiery brilliance. The hike up Yongdusan granted a magnificent experience that I did not get to partake in last year.
The last few months started to ware on my patience; the students misbehavior, last minute changes, added workload and lack of respect began to drive me crazy. I will be the first to admit that I possess many flaws, but to own up to them shows one's true character. My expectations of others might not be healthy, but where do we draw the line on making excuses for others? After a long and drawn out ten months, I finally dropped one of my extra lessons. The mother of this student was not pleased and proceeded turn the blame onto me. It is astonishing how people can not take responsibility for their own actions or in this case understand that the circumstances are not conducive for individual growth. For one, to think that children will always be receptive to a lesson plan is absurd, their enthusiasm will always vary so take it with a grain of salt.
Now that my weekends are filled with hanging out, working out or traveling I have lost the urge to write about life. I should bring the travel log around with me so that I can write about how I feel in that precise moment.
Korea holds a beauty that I have often neglected to see. No one carries more fault than myself for this. So fixated on work, I do not take enough time to bask in the simple splendors that life offers. In retrospect, it is laughable how adamantly I deny being a workaholic. With the quick fall; the exquisite hues of red, yellow, and orange leaves paint the mountainside with splashes of fiery brilliance. The hike up Yongdusan granted a magnificent experience that I did not get to partake in last year.
The last few months started to ware on my patience; the students misbehavior, last minute changes, added workload and lack of respect began to drive me crazy. I will be the first to admit that I possess many flaws, but to own up to them shows one's true character. My expectations of others might not be healthy, but where do we draw the line on making excuses for others? After a long and drawn out ten months, I finally dropped one of my extra lessons. The mother of this student was not pleased and proceeded turn the blame onto me. It is astonishing how people can not take responsibility for their own actions or in this case understand that the circumstances are not conducive for individual growth. For one, to think that children will always be receptive to a lesson plan is absurd, their enthusiasm will always vary so take it with a grain of salt.
Now that my weekends are filled with hanging out, working out or traveling I have lost the urge to write about life. I should bring the travel log around with me so that I can write about how I feel in that precise moment.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
When pushed to the edge.
This past month sure has been eventful to say the least. The self made chaos almost spiraled out of control, but has been reigned in for now. The craziness of being hospitalized for a day, placed under constant supervision, the invasiveness of an IV and then placed on mandatory bed rest has taught me that working to the point of exhaustion is not a good way to live. Money should not be the main motivator in the determination of one’s life and to live in isolation does not truly ease the discomfort of loneliness.
There are periods where I do reminisce about what was or obsess about the future, but now the present is the only thing of true importance. Regret tends to be such a wasteful emotion, why bother with feeling awkward or despondent about an event or moment that occurred in the past. Easier said then done, but the cycles of self-deprecation and contempt has substantially decreased.
In all honesty, there never seems to be a moment of peace in this mind. When the promise of transcendence appears, some squalor of discourse materializes to dash the too short amount of tranquility. I have come to my wits end when it comes to insubordination; what once was possible to overlook has turned to be the agenda for reform and cannot be condoned anymore. The city schools have become this beast that is uncontrollable; when it comes to children, the leeway granted use to be vast, but has begun to dwindle with my patience. The blatant disrespect for the “faux” teacher culminated in a few uncharacteristic outbursts. For instance; one student, in particular, will always start fights with others during break period, for some reason he thought he could get away with laying a hand on me so the retaliation was a swift smack across his face. The next week another student thought it would be hilarious to perform a sliding tackle, which ended with a few strikes by his own slipper. A girl thought that the best way to gain my attention while I was helping another student with their composition was to scream in my ear from a foot away. A quick lash from a folder binding across her arm and being sent on out of the classroom was the kindest penalty that would get through to her. The for the most part, it is the same students that seem to push these boundaries. Their faces tend to be ever present in the category of most disrespectful and foul mannered degenerates that I have ever been so displeased to meet. There are nights where the question of whether it was necessary to use corporal punishment on them was appropriate, but the use of kindness and positive reinforcement has only lead to worst behavior.
I am not proud of whom I have become, but I am not ashamed of it either. Korea, in general, emphasizes respect towards one’s teacher, but there tends to be a lack of that towards the foreign educator. The line between instructor and friend often confuses the students; I might be closer to their age then other their teachers, share the same interest as them and joke around with them more, but they cannot forget all their manners.
While the stress of the job has crept up, turning to my social life has been a relief. The weekends have been a lifesaver. The amount spent is less than desirable, but if it guarantees my sanity then I make due. Work hard to play hard eh.
There are periods where I do reminisce about what was or obsess about the future, but now the present is the only thing of true importance. Regret tends to be such a wasteful emotion, why bother with feeling awkward or despondent about an event or moment that occurred in the past. Easier said then done, but the cycles of self-deprecation and contempt has substantially decreased.
In all honesty, there never seems to be a moment of peace in this mind. When the promise of transcendence appears, some squalor of discourse materializes to dash the too short amount of tranquility. I have come to my wits end when it comes to insubordination; what once was possible to overlook has turned to be the agenda for reform and cannot be condoned anymore. The city schools have become this beast that is uncontrollable; when it comes to children, the leeway granted use to be vast, but has begun to dwindle with my patience. The blatant disrespect for the “faux” teacher culminated in a few uncharacteristic outbursts. For instance; one student, in particular, will always start fights with others during break period, for some reason he thought he could get away with laying a hand on me so the retaliation was a swift smack across his face. The next week another student thought it would be hilarious to perform a sliding tackle, which ended with a few strikes by his own slipper. A girl thought that the best way to gain my attention while I was helping another student with their composition was to scream in my ear from a foot away. A quick lash from a folder binding across her arm and being sent on out of the classroom was the kindest penalty that would get through to her. The for the most part, it is the same students that seem to push these boundaries. Their faces tend to be ever present in the category of most disrespectful and foul mannered degenerates that I have ever been so displeased to meet. There are nights where the question of whether it was necessary to use corporal punishment on them was appropriate, but the use of kindness and positive reinforcement has only lead to worst behavior.
I am not proud of whom I have become, but I am not ashamed of it either. Korea, in general, emphasizes respect towards one’s teacher, but there tends to be a lack of that towards the foreign educator. The line between instructor and friend often confuses the students; I might be closer to their age then other their teachers, share the same interest as them and joke around with them more, but they cannot forget all their manners.
While the stress of the job has crept up, turning to my social life has been a relief. The weekends have been a lifesaver. The amount spent is less than desirable, but if it guarantees my sanity then I make due. Work hard to play hard eh.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
So much hatred in the world.
Life can be depressing at time. To look around and see so much animosity and lack of civility is disheartening. Don't get me wrong, a stoic lifestyle should not be considered living. I would not want to live in a state of false Utopia either, but this poisoned mind frame that one needs to hold grudges and behave with such negativity is ridiculous. There have been some hardships in my life, but I refuse to let these experiences warp me. There comes a time when everyone has to choose how they want to live their life. There is not one correct way to do so, yet there are more constructive ways to go about it.
On one of the social networking sites that I frequently visit, I see these long debates that ultimately turn into an “I know more about this subject and you are ignorant for not seeing it my way” argument. I cannot help but wonder if that was truly necessary. The topic of universal health care is a hot button issue, but to degrade someone by coming to the conclusion that since they do not believe in the same ideology as you that they are ignorant is uncalled for. I am proud of the person for standing their ground and voicing an opinion without fear of judgment. It would be assumed that on a site used to connect with friends, these clashes would not exist, but that is far from the case now a day. I am guilty of having "friends" on my page that I have not spoken to in years and have not said a word to them after they friend requested me. Yet for some this numbers game seems to ease their mind.
That was a tangent that I felt necessary to express, but I will digress back to the real matter at hand. I am appalled by the level of hatred and malice that people have towards one another. Call it naiveté or denial that I have gone this far with trying to see the best in everyone. I know that those who have wronged me in the past are not worth holding grudges over. When I went home, I found out that a person that I lent money to had passed away. It taught me that money is/was not everything. There was a sense of relief in knowing that I let this go long before I found out about this situation. Does holding resentment up until you hear about someone's tragedy make you any better of a person? I have contemplated from time to time about how others perceive me. I know that I tend to be self absorbed, but I do genuinely care about others and will put them before myself. The idea that I am a confrontational and abrasive individual is something that has dumbfounded me. Yes, I do speak my mind, but I am not the type that goes out looking to pick a fight nor do I care for the spectacle that unfolds afterwards.
The catalyst behind this entry comes from a recent event in Korea. A pop star, from a popular male group, was found to have made some disparaging remarks about Korea and the Korean people when he was struggling as a trainee. These comments where dug up from his myspace account from four years ago and used to destroy his career. There are people out there that do not like the fame that others achieve so they go out of their way to ruin the person’s life. The guy had changed and grew up, but that did not matter because he was a foreigner. This event has shown me how dispensable an outsider is to some Koreans. I will not generalize all Koreans, but it seems when a foreigner has lost their usefulness it is time to get rid of them. The fans and netizens here are vicious, one moment they adore you and the next they will turn their backs on you. The suicide rate in Korea is substantially large. When news broke about Park Jaebum’s comments, there was a petition going around that he should commit suicide. To say it was extreme would be an understatement. I am not writing because I am an avid K-Pop fan, this is more of an account of where a stranger in this land of uniform lies.
Some sees us as a leech that comes into their land, take their money and go back to our own countries to live a better life. In all fairness, if there was not such an overwhelming need for us then it would not be such an issue. Basic business practice explains supply and demand. If adequately trained, Korean educators would be able to do what they pay some fresh out of college kid to do. I cannot speak for all foreigners, but the effort I put into doing this job justifies the amount of money I am being paid. I do not take this job lightly since it dictates someone else’s future. It might not be the most fun at times, but it is gratifying.
Apparent, the way my co teachers look at me when they know that I am getting another bonus or incentive to stay. Aggravated, with my request to be paid what was suppose to be mine in the first place. Frustration, in knowing that in the last year I have accumulated more money in my bank account then most who have spent their whole lives working. Due to these facts, I tend to live a mild lifestyle. The world of partying, drinking, and broadcasting my wealth in front of others holds no ground with me. If others find contempt in me then it was not of my own doing. The self respect one gets from living in a country that will pick you apart for any little thing can only make you stronger. It is about time that I start to fulfill the mantra of tolerance.
On one of the social networking sites that I frequently visit, I see these long debates that ultimately turn into an “I know more about this subject and you are ignorant for not seeing it my way” argument. I cannot help but wonder if that was truly necessary. The topic of universal health care is a hot button issue, but to degrade someone by coming to the conclusion that since they do not believe in the same ideology as you that they are ignorant is uncalled for. I am proud of the person for standing their ground and voicing an opinion without fear of judgment. It would be assumed that on a site used to connect with friends, these clashes would not exist, but that is far from the case now a day. I am guilty of having "friends" on my page that I have not spoken to in years and have not said a word to them after they friend requested me. Yet for some this numbers game seems to ease their mind.
That was a tangent that I felt necessary to express, but I will digress back to the real matter at hand. I am appalled by the level of hatred and malice that people have towards one another. Call it naiveté or denial that I have gone this far with trying to see the best in everyone. I know that those who have wronged me in the past are not worth holding grudges over. When I went home, I found out that a person that I lent money to had passed away. It taught me that money is/was not everything. There was a sense of relief in knowing that I let this go long before I found out about this situation. Does holding resentment up until you hear about someone's tragedy make you any better of a person? I have contemplated from time to time about how others perceive me. I know that I tend to be self absorbed, but I do genuinely care about others and will put them before myself. The idea that I am a confrontational and abrasive individual is something that has dumbfounded me. Yes, I do speak my mind, but I am not the type that goes out looking to pick a fight nor do I care for the spectacle that unfolds afterwards.
The catalyst behind this entry comes from a recent event in Korea. A pop star, from a popular male group, was found to have made some disparaging remarks about Korea and the Korean people when he was struggling as a trainee. These comments where dug up from his myspace account from four years ago and used to destroy his career. There are people out there that do not like the fame that others achieve so they go out of their way to ruin the person’s life. The guy had changed and grew up, but that did not matter because he was a foreigner. This event has shown me how dispensable an outsider is to some Koreans. I will not generalize all Koreans, but it seems when a foreigner has lost their usefulness it is time to get rid of them. The fans and netizens here are vicious, one moment they adore you and the next they will turn their backs on you. The suicide rate in Korea is substantially large. When news broke about Park Jaebum’s comments, there was a petition going around that he should commit suicide. To say it was extreme would be an understatement. I am not writing because I am an avid K-Pop fan, this is more of an account of where a stranger in this land of uniform lies.
Some sees us as a leech that comes into their land, take their money and go back to our own countries to live a better life. In all fairness, if there was not such an overwhelming need for us then it would not be such an issue. Basic business practice explains supply and demand. If adequately trained, Korean educators would be able to do what they pay some fresh out of college kid to do. I cannot speak for all foreigners, but the effort I put into doing this job justifies the amount of money I am being paid. I do not take this job lightly since it dictates someone else’s future. It might not be the most fun at times, but it is gratifying.
Apparent, the way my co teachers look at me when they know that I am getting another bonus or incentive to stay. Aggravated, with my request to be paid what was suppose to be mine in the first place. Frustration, in knowing that in the last year I have accumulated more money in my bank account then most who have spent their whole lives working. Due to these facts, I tend to live a mild lifestyle. The world of partying, drinking, and broadcasting my wealth in front of others holds no ground with me. If others find contempt in me then it was not of my own doing. The self respect one gets from living in a country that will pick you apart for any little thing can only make you stronger. It is about time that I start to fulfill the mantra of tolerance.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Long time no writing
It has been awhile since I have updated, the main reason being that I was in Las Vegas for the last month. The time spent there was a good reminder for me not to lose sight of who I am. I realized that I gave up some aspects of myself when I moved to Korea and my perception of who I needed to be had gone askew.
I worried so much about weight gain and complained quite a bit. Even though I did not feel so out of place in America as I do in Korea, I still have some problems when it comes to self image.
Anyways, it was nice to spend time with everyone. I overestimated the time that I had back at home because five weeks is nowhere near enough time. When I was at home, I felt homesick for Korea and now that I am back, I miss Las Vegas. To live on my own while close enough to those I love would probably be the best situation for me. I know that I could set up a life in Las Vegas with no problems, but the world is such an enticing place.
The apartment, finally, feels like home with some more family photos and a few embellishments here and there. When I get my camera back I will put up some pictures. I am sure everyone will see it when we video chat anyways.
I will write more when I have something worth writing about. This week of quarantine has been a blessing; I needed time to unwind before going back to school.
Ok, I lied. In the last month there has been so many minor changes that have been exciting and depressing. Stores here open and close in a matter of no time at all, I have seen big name stores close their doors and more disturbingly I fear that the seamstress that I go to might be closing down her shop. I walked by the store front on my way back from the grocery store and I see that her store looks a bit barren. As always, I had some fruit in my backpack and gave her some, it has become a ritual now. When I go to the store I buy a little extra because she has always been so kind to me; sewing on a button for free, discounting even the most painstaking alterations and getting stuff back to me in a timely fashion. She has held a special place to all of my friends. I am hoping that my suspicions are wrong. On the other hand, the grocery stores have been stocking more western style items. I saw a balsamic vinegarette dressing. I guess that is the only good thing to have happened in the midst of my fears.
I worried so much about weight gain and complained quite a bit. Even though I did not feel so out of place in America as I do in Korea, I still have some problems when it comes to self image.
Anyways, it was nice to spend time with everyone. I overestimated the time that I had back at home because five weeks is nowhere near enough time. When I was at home, I felt homesick for Korea and now that I am back, I miss Las Vegas. To live on my own while close enough to those I love would probably be the best situation for me. I know that I could set up a life in Las Vegas with no problems, but the world is such an enticing place.
The apartment, finally, feels like home with some more family photos and a few embellishments here and there. When I get my camera back I will put up some pictures. I am sure everyone will see it when we video chat anyways.
I will write more when I have something worth writing about. This week of quarantine has been a blessing; I needed time to unwind before going back to school.
Ok, I lied. In the last month there has been so many minor changes that have been exciting and depressing. Stores here open and close in a matter of no time at all, I have seen big name stores close their doors and more disturbingly I fear that the seamstress that I go to might be closing down her shop. I walked by the store front on my way back from the grocery store and I see that her store looks a bit barren. As always, I had some fruit in my backpack and gave her some, it has become a ritual now. When I go to the store I buy a little extra because she has always been so kind to me; sewing on a button for free, discounting even the most painstaking alterations and getting stuff back to me in a timely fashion. She has held a special place to all of my friends. I am hoping that my suspicions are wrong. On the other hand, the grocery stores have been stocking more western style items. I saw a balsamic vinegarette dressing. I guess that is the only good thing to have happened in the midst of my fears.
Monday, July 20, 2009
When the foreign becomes familiar.
I have an hour to kill before it is time for preboarding. There is a pit in the middle of my stomach and I am trying to distinguish the reason for it. This feeling of anxiousness began at 5am this morning when I woke up and could not go back to bed. It settled down for a bit and I went along the routine to make sure that I did not get to the airport without the proper identification or information. Jecheon, the city that I reside in, has a new direct service bus to Incheon International airport. It is a long journey that takes almost four hours, but being able to avoid the inconvenience of switching buses is worth it. So the four hours plus the wait of almost four hours at the airport itself has made for a long day. The plane ride is another 11.5 hours and then I will be home.
Now back to the main point, the feelings of anxiety has taken over as I am about to leave, albeit for a short time, from the place that I have been calling home for the last 9 months. Truthfully, there has been a few times where I have left Jecheon to go to Seoul and felt a more mild reaction. Maybe it is the fear that everyone has grown in a direction different than my own and I will feel like an alien in a place that I have called home for 17 years.
I know that Korea is not a perfect place and there are many difficulties that have been faced with more to come in the future. I have been living alone and the thought of going back home and reverting back to the person I was scares me.
Could I have fallen in love with a country that has this love/hate relationship with the foreign community? The possibilities are high and there is no doubt that I have grown fond of the lifestyle. Although my workload is continuously increasing, it is gratifying.
Reverse cultureshock is setting in and I am not even ready to move home yet.
I will focus on the positive aspects such as seeing my family and friends, getting to sleep in my old bed, and indulging in all of the minute things that use to bring me joy.
October of 2010 will be difficult if these emotions are surfacing already.
Now back to the main point, the feelings of anxiety has taken over as I am about to leave, albeit for a short time, from the place that I have been calling home for the last 9 months. Truthfully, there has been a few times where I have left Jecheon to go to Seoul and felt a more mild reaction. Maybe it is the fear that everyone has grown in a direction different than my own and I will feel like an alien in a place that I have called home for 17 years.
I know that Korea is not a perfect place and there are many difficulties that have been faced with more to come in the future. I have been living alone and the thought of going back home and reverting back to the person I was scares me.
Could I have fallen in love with a country that has this love/hate relationship with the foreign community? The possibilities are high and there is no doubt that I have grown fond of the lifestyle. Although my workload is continuously increasing, it is gratifying.
Reverse cultureshock is setting in and I am not even ready to move home yet.
I will focus on the positive aspects such as seeing my family and friends, getting to sleep in my old bed, and indulging in all of the minute things that use to bring me joy.
October of 2010 will be difficult if these emotions are surfacing already.
Friday, July 10, 2009
A New Hope... -_-*
Yeah, that title is a new low, even for me. Oh well!
This week has been awesome, I only taught one day. The reason why I only taught one day was because my kids had exams on Monday, Tuesday was the open class, and I taught Wednesday, left for the mandatory foreigners retreat on Thursday and stayed over until today. I had my last open class and received many positive comments. I have been gorging on some ridiculously delicious food.
It is amazing how much I got to learn about the Korean culture in the one day I spent in Chungju. The highlights of the trip has to be meeting some really cool foreigners that live in the same province, learning Taek Gyeon (Korean dancing martial arts), going to see a traditional Korean orchestra perform with some modern K-Pop/B-Boy flavor, and learning how to play the gayageum (a traditional 12 string instrument).
On this trip, I learned to throw my inhibitions away and just have fun in whatever activities we were doing. It was nice to not care about looking like a fool and just actively participate. To be honest, I thought I would not enjoy the martial arts or learning how to play the gayageum, but it was a great experience that I will never forget. I learned four ways of how to throw another foreigner down. I have a blister on the tip of my pointer finger from playing the instrument for an hour. By the end of the lesson, I was disappointed that we had to stop because it felt like I had only been playing for 20 minutes.
For being socially awkward, I made two friends that I could see myself keeping in contact with. One girl is so laid back and I had a blast. She invited me to come visit her any time in Cheongju and I will take her up on it. Her outlook on life was probably the most appealing thing to me. She lived two minutes from the beach in Cape Town, South Africa, but she uprooted herself to experience something new. She understands that this lifestyle will always be available to her in the future, if she wants it, but to live with the possible regret of not trying something new can never be erased. The other person lives in my city and he is beyond eccentric. I did not know if I would like his personality at first, but once we got into this banter, it was a neat connection. Normally, he is not the type of person I would be friends with, but I have learned that different is not always bad. In this instance, it made for one whacked out retreat.
I wished I took pictures of this trip, but sometimes it feels like you are missing out on life by trying to capture it all the time. Safe to say that I will continue to let others worry about recording memories while I live them.
This week has been awesome, I only taught one day. The reason why I only taught one day was because my kids had exams on Monday, Tuesday was the open class, and I taught Wednesday, left for the mandatory foreigners retreat on Thursday and stayed over until today. I had my last open class and received many positive comments. I have been gorging on some ridiculously delicious food.
It is amazing how much I got to learn about the Korean culture in the one day I spent in Chungju. The highlights of the trip has to be meeting some really cool foreigners that live in the same province, learning Taek Gyeon (Korean dancing martial arts), going to see a traditional Korean orchestra perform with some modern K-Pop/B-Boy flavor, and learning how to play the gayageum (a traditional 12 string instrument).
On this trip, I learned to throw my inhibitions away and just have fun in whatever activities we were doing. It was nice to not care about looking like a fool and just actively participate. To be honest, I thought I would not enjoy the martial arts or learning how to play the gayageum, but it was a great experience that I will never forget. I learned four ways of how to throw another foreigner down. I have a blister on the tip of my pointer finger from playing the instrument for an hour. By the end of the lesson, I was disappointed that we had to stop because it felt like I had only been playing for 20 minutes.
For being socially awkward, I made two friends that I could see myself keeping in contact with. One girl is so laid back and I had a blast. She invited me to come visit her any time in Cheongju and I will take her up on it. Her outlook on life was probably the most appealing thing to me. She lived two minutes from the beach in Cape Town, South Africa, but she uprooted herself to experience something new. She understands that this lifestyle will always be available to her in the future, if she wants it, but to live with the possible regret of not trying something new can never be erased. The other person lives in my city and he is beyond eccentric. I did not know if I would like his personality at first, but once we got into this banter, it was a neat connection. Normally, he is not the type of person I would be friends with, but I have learned that different is not always bad. In this instance, it made for one whacked out retreat.
I wished I took pictures of this trip, but sometimes it feels like you are missing out on life by trying to capture it all the time. Safe to say that I will continue to let others worry about recording memories while I live them.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Again & Again & Again & Again
Sorry, cannot help but insert a K-Pop song into the title. Although, I do not have it in me to become a serial blogger, a tranquil day can illicit quite a bit of thinking. Hwadang’s holding a camp out, so I was given a free day. The irony is that with this free day, I think about my occupational endeavors. The working hours have lessened dramatically, but I still feel like I am working full time. If I am not teaching; I am lesson planning, helping kids with their academy homework, teaching after school classes, doing teachers' conversation classes or taking on a few private tutoring sessions. These things are not overly complicated because I am teaching a subject that I enjoy. It brings me great joy to see these kids excel, because it is not about me, it is about them. My mentality about education focuses upon positive reinforcement and encouragement. Many foreigners have told me that the kids do relish the time that they have with us more because we are less strict than their regular teachers. So why not engage the kids and make them feel like class can be enjoyable.
The initial plan was to come to Korea to escape from a life filled with overworking and have some fun. The strained aspect of my life has not changed much, but I can say that my job is satisfying. This could be one of the best experiences I have had in understanding what I need in my life. The days of excessive drinking, laziness and apathy towards improving my health are over and I just need to find balance.
An issue with living such a disciplined lifestyle, in regards to my professional life, manifests itself in days where I need relaxation and me time. I need a vacation; time where I can just sit back and not worry about what needs to be accomplished or any of the other hustle that being a grown up, or even vacation, can bring. Is there such a thing as a vacation from a vacation? I cannot wait to go home, even though my time is already jammed pack, there will be times where I can go workout or to California. I think a few days in the Golden State will do me good.
I find it strange how some people just compliment each other. In most aspects of my life; I am very domineering, but when it comes to travel or sightseeing, I am more passive. Kristina or Katrina is always good with that stuff; they plan events but never to the point where it feels overwhelming. Holding no expectations and going with the flow has guaranteed positive outcomes, so that is the plan for next month. Winter vacation will be filled with Southeast Asia and some Japan time if Kristina comes to visit. It will be nice to see everyone again. (& again & again & again) Sorry it was too easy.
The initial plan was to come to Korea to escape from a life filled with overworking and have some fun. The strained aspect of my life has not changed much, but I can say that my job is satisfying. This could be one of the best experiences I have had in understanding what I need in my life. The days of excessive drinking, laziness and apathy towards improving my health are over and I just need to find balance.
An issue with living such a disciplined lifestyle, in regards to my professional life, manifests itself in days where I need relaxation and me time. I need a vacation; time where I can just sit back and not worry about what needs to be accomplished or any of the other hustle that being a grown up, or even vacation, can bring. Is there such a thing as a vacation from a vacation? I cannot wait to go home, even though my time is already jammed pack, there will be times where I can go workout or to California. I think a few days in the Golden State will do me good.
I find it strange how some people just compliment each other. In most aspects of my life; I am very domineering, but when it comes to travel or sightseeing, I am more passive. Kristina or Katrina is always good with that stuff; they plan events but never to the point where it feels overwhelming. Holding no expectations and going with the flow has guaranteed positive outcomes, so that is the plan for next month. Winter vacation will be filled with Southeast Asia and some Japan time if Kristina comes to visit. It will be nice to see everyone again. (& again & again & again) Sorry it was too easy.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Revisiting, Reverting, and Refining
Sometimes the thought about revisiting one's past can send chills down their spine, but looking back does not always have to be painful. Certain points will always elicit cringes; some might bring back warm feelings of comfort, while others could be looked back upon in a few years and make you think, "Damn you got it right the first time".
Striving to live a more sound and harmonious life does not come without a few pitfalls. There will always be people who are determined to antagonize, sabotage or create obstacles to make the journey more difficult. For those who have known me for years; they can attest to the fact that my temper can be anywhere from mild to catastrophic. This has quelled since coming to Korea. Most likely the fear of starting anew had snubbed out the fire, but it was never fully extinguished.
The world comprises of so much negativity and to witness this, often takes a toll on a person. The ease in which one could fall into this crowd tends to be high. Jaded individuals are everywhere and they try to spread their disillusionment to the others. More often than not, the bitter will gravitate towards those who wish to see a more optimistic outlook. Difficulties lie in discerning whether they want to improve their own point of view or if they want to drag the other person down. A part of me believes that the answer is both. They see hope and that creates a sense of comfort, but then it is easy to look at the optimist as a fool for wanting to believe there is intrinsic goodness.
The trouble of removing oneself from a place of comfort to relocate to new surroundings lies in the necessity to form bonds. This often leads to people changing many aspects of them to manufacture these relationships. For instance, my temper has subsided for quite a while. It has been 8 months since I have voiced my true feelings on anything. A part of why this occurred was due to this very problem. Another was that I was in a foreign land with customs that are not as common to my own. So I decided not judge those around me because other people's differences can help in one's growth, but this is not always the true.
Due to recent events, this subdued nature has been pushed to the limits. For instance; I have been insulted and harassed by this one girl. At first, I thought that she was just being overly playful and the language barrier between us helped in creating this misunderstanding, but it became a real issue of constant text messages at odd hours and continuous disrespect. At first, I went along with it, but as time went on, I finally snapped and told her off. I have not heard from her since. There are so many abrasive people in the world and that bothers me. To remain positive is not easily accomplished, but the refusal to give into their negative ways endures.
To stress about every minute detail would change the person that I am. This amalgamation of the laid back attitude and the straight talking personas might be the most beneficial to my state of being.
Striving to live a more sound and harmonious life does not come without a few pitfalls. There will always be people who are determined to antagonize, sabotage or create obstacles to make the journey more difficult. For those who have known me for years; they can attest to the fact that my temper can be anywhere from mild to catastrophic. This has quelled since coming to Korea. Most likely the fear of starting anew had snubbed out the fire, but it was never fully extinguished.
The world comprises of so much negativity and to witness this, often takes a toll on a person. The ease in which one could fall into this crowd tends to be high. Jaded individuals are everywhere and they try to spread their disillusionment to the others. More often than not, the bitter will gravitate towards those who wish to see a more optimistic outlook. Difficulties lie in discerning whether they want to improve their own point of view or if they want to drag the other person down. A part of me believes that the answer is both. They see hope and that creates a sense of comfort, but then it is easy to look at the optimist as a fool for wanting to believe there is intrinsic goodness.
The trouble of removing oneself from a place of comfort to relocate to new surroundings lies in the necessity to form bonds. This often leads to people changing many aspects of them to manufacture these relationships. For instance, my temper has subsided for quite a while. It has been 8 months since I have voiced my true feelings on anything. A part of why this occurred was due to this very problem. Another was that I was in a foreign land with customs that are not as common to my own. So I decided not judge those around me because other people's differences can help in one's growth, but this is not always the true.
Due to recent events, this subdued nature has been pushed to the limits. For instance; I have been insulted and harassed by this one girl. At first, I thought that she was just being overly playful and the language barrier between us helped in creating this misunderstanding, but it became a real issue of constant text messages at odd hours and continuous disrespect. At first, I went along with it, but as time went on, I finally snapped and told her off. I have not heard from her since. There are so many abrasive people in the world and that bothers me. To remain positive is not easily accomplished, but the refusal to give into their negative ways endures.
To stress about every minute detail would change the person that I am. This amalgamation of the laid back attitude and the straight talking personas might be the most beneficial to my state of being.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Note to Self
Remember that people might be innately flawed but also trust that they have some goodness in them as well.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Finding My Comforts and Me.
I started this as a way to map out the trips, adventures and memories that I would embark upon but it has slowly began to wither away. The life of a teacher is nothing exciting during the school year, but hopefully that will change during break. Many people know that I have the intention of staying in Korea for another year to see my sixth grade kids graduate, make more money and to see the parts of Asia that I failed to during winter vacation.
I have a tendency of only saying the negative aspects about Korea when talking to friends back at home. I don't often share the good parts because those are the bits that I hang on to. The acidic remarks or condescending behavior is something I need to vent about and then let go which was what I was doing. These remarks have worried a majority of people and their only view of Korea is not that pleasant. I apologize for that. Besides the crazy people that I often come across, life in this country is suitable and rather comfortable. It will come off as me focusing on the negative, but I do have many things that I am grateful for. Even though I have become more reclusive, the small group of friends that surround me are good at keeping me grounded. I make an excellent wage that could put a substantial amount of money into my bank account and that is always a plus. The kids are the biggest reason to stay though. I know people might not understand, but I want to make a difference for them. By giving them a little bit of consistency, even if it is only for one more year, can be a monumental turning point. It might be unhealthy to be so attached to my children, but the little comments or things that they do make me feel like it is worth it.
I have started to decorate my apartment. It began very slowly, but the momentum has picked up. I finally bought real curtains for my balcony windows, with bamboo blinds for my laundry area following soon after. The shower curtain is a room divider for my entryway/bathroom area and the main room. I want to find a beige/tan or chocolate colored area rug to put on the the floor to give the room a little warmth. Also in the search for square wall accents in the same colors to give more character to these bare walls. When I come home, I want to print out some pictures of Las Vegas during the day and night as well as all the things that makes that city special to make a collage. In Korea, they have this really cute idea of hanging up yarn and clipping photos onto it with these tiny decorative clips that resemble the ones you use for clothes. I want to put some pics over my bed. If it is the last thing I do, this apartment will feel like a home for the next year.
I have a tendency of only saying the negative aspects about Korea when talking to friends back at home. I don't often share the good parts because those are the bits that I hang on to. The acidic remarks or condescending behavior is something I need to vent about and then let go which was what I was doing. These remarks have worried a majority of people and their only view of Korea is not that pleasant. I apologize for that. Besides the crazy people that I often come across, life in this country is suitable and rather comfortable. It will come off as me focusing on the negative, but I do have many things that I am grateful for. Even though I have become more reclusive, the small group of friends that surround me are good at keeping me grounded. I make an excellent wage that could put a substantial amount of money into my bank account and that is always a plus. The kids are the biggest reason to stay though. I know people might not understand, but I want to make a difference for them. By giving them a little bit of consistency, even if it is only for one more year, can be a monumental turning point. It might be unhealthy to be so attached to my children, but the little comments or things that they do make me feel like it is worth it.
I have started to decorate my apartment. It began very slowly, but the momentum has picked up. I finally bought real curtains for my balcony windows, with bamboo blinds for my laundry area following soon after. The shower curtain is a room divider for my entryway/bathroom area and the main room. I want to find a beige/tan or chocolate colored area rug to put on the the floor to give the room a little warmth. Also in the search for square wall accents in the same colors to give more character to these bare walls. When I come home, I want to print out some pictures of Las Vegas during the day and night as well as all the things that makes that city special to make a collage. In Korea, they have this really cute idea of hanging up yarn and clipping photos onto it with these tiny decorative clips that resemble the ones you use for clothes. I want to put some pics over my bed. If it is the last thing I do, this apartment will feel like a home for the next year.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Shaken Foundation
Faith in myself is not a quality that I possess. The desire to have internal balance is always thrown askew when a difficult situation presents itself. Racism or racial preference has always been a part of Korean culture, but I have not felt the effects as much as when I first applied for this job and now with some of my co-teachers. This peninsula struggles to find the balance between finding qualified educators to help further the growth of it's people, but continue to show preferential treatment to those of European descent. The yearning to become a major power or just an equal within the world setting has pushed Korea to hire almost anyone who applies, but has a higher priority of focusing on the above mentioned group. Since coming to this country, the lack of professionalism from some of the foreigners as well as the Koreans have made me question why people even want to be a teacher. The lack of concern for the welfare and development of the children is appalling.
Straddling the line between professionalism and caring too much for those that are entrusted to me has been a problem. Seclusion has been a fundamental way of keeping keeping my sanity. The change in social mentality has been one of the few aspects of myself that has changed since entering Korea. Most of my time has been engulfed by work. The freedom that was so fundamental in the decision making process has become a fleeting image. The constant need for lesson planning, reviewing of materials and preparation for the side jobs have become tedious and monotonous. Due to this, I tend to remove myself from most situations because, I do not have the energy to deal with everything. It feels as if I continue to give more of myself without taking the time to recharge or get anything back in return.
Let us retract to the focal point of this entry. For the first time in a week, I was able to have a decent conversation with my co-teacher. The days leading up to and a few days after his meeting with Robert, the teacher that I replaced, his attitude towards me had changed. He was aloof and unresponsive to almost anything I did or said and it began to eat away at me. No one can say that my expectations of others is higher than what I expect from myself. There is no one that I criticize more than myself. This need to do well has propelled me to recognition with my professors, my bosses, my co-workers and my parents. The need to please others is a sickness that is part of my character. The inability to do so creates an instability that invariably renders me to feeling useless.
Yet again, my tangents have guided me off topic. I finally asked my co-teacher about Roberts teaching style and what he thought about it when we were discussing teaching methods. Apparently, when Robert felt dejected and fed up with the students he would administer tests, exams, worksheets and other forms of busy work. So this was what some of my other teachers were using as a guide for me to follow? I can understand why some of the co-teachers were glad that he moved on. He has a warm personality that is easy for others to get along with was one of the points in his favor. So an outgoing personality and being white can get you far in Korea.
Well, I am staying another year if offered a new contract.
Straddling the line between professionalism and caring too much for those that are entrusted to me has been a problem. Seclusion has been a fundamental way of keeping keeping my sanity. The change in social mentality has been one of the few aspects of myself that has changed since entering Korea. Most of my time has been engulfed by work. The freedom that was so fundamental in the decision making process has become a fleeting image. The constant need for lesson planning, reviewing of materials and preparation for the side jobs have become tedious and monotonous. Due to this, I tend to remove myself from most situations because, I do not have the energy to deal with everything. It feels as if I continue to give more of myself without taking the time to recharge or get anything back in return.
Let us retract to the focal point of this entry. For the first time in a week, I was able to have a decent conversation with my co-teacher. The days leading up to and a few days after his meeting with Robert, the teacher that I replaced, his attitude towards me had changed. He was aloof and unresponsive to almost anything I did or said and it began to eat away at me. No one can say that my expectations of others is higher than what I expect from myself. There is no one that I criticize more than myself. This need to do well has propelled me to recognition with my professors, my bosses, my co-workers and my parents. The need to please others is a sickness that is part of my character. The inability to do so creates an instability that invariably renders me to feeling useless.
Yet again, my tangents have guided me off topic. I finally asked my co-teacher about Roberts teaching style and what he thought about it when we were discussing teaching methods. Apparently, when Robert felt dejected and fed up with the students he would administer tests, exams, worksheets and other forms of busy work. So this was what some of my other teachers were using as a guide for me to follow? I can understand why some of the co-teachers were glad that he moved on. He has a warm personality that is easy for others to get along with was one of the points in his favor. So an outgoing personality and being white can get you far in Korea.
Well, I am staying another year if offered a new contract.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Change can Happen
I have become extremely fascinated by personal character assessment psychology lately. After Amy did her's, I could not help wanting to know more about my character. I ended up being classified as an ISFJ. http://www.e-mbti.com/isfj.php
If anyone has some spare time, go and take the quiz. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
I have always questioned why I hold on to relationships with people that are no good for me and this kind of gives insight into why. I am not exactly sure if I have the strongest feelings in favor of the more positive traits that it gave me, but the flaws I can see. Especially the bottling up until I explode or hold a negative opinion of someone that is difficult to undo. I won't lie and say that I have completely let go of all the hostile feelings I have had about people in my past, but it does not affect how I live my everyday life. For example, I don't think about Caleb or what happened in the past with use, but when someone brings him up, I can't help but cringe. If it came down to forgiving, letting go and maybe start over, I would, but we have nothing in common. I try to live my life without hatred and for the most part it is working out. I just can't change my personality completely and refrain from saying a smart-ass comment every now and then.
This was all a prelude into saying that I am grateful for not giving up on people too quickly, because sometimes people can make you proud for not losing faith in them. With one of the other foreigners, he has been driving friends away with his excessive complaining about Korea, but stays here. The worst part is that he says it to Koreans. He is the type that consistently asks for favors without offering anything in return. Yesterday, I hung out with him and we had a good conversation with minimum complaining. He paid for my dinner and movie ticket that night as well, something that he has never done before either. It was a birthday gift and I think the best gift was that it shows that people can grow out of their selfishness.
If anyone has some spare time, go and take the quiz. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
I have always questioned why I hold on to relationships with people that are no good for me and this kind of gives insight into why. I am not exactly sure if I have the strongest feelings in favor of the more positive traits that it gave me, but the flaws I can see. Especially the bottling up until I explode or hold a negative opinion of someone that is difficult to undo. I won't lie and say that I have completely let go of all the hostile feelings I have had about people in my past, but it does not affect how I live my everyday life. For example, I don't think about Caleb or what happened in the past with use, but when someone brings him up, I can't help but cringe. If it came down to forgiving, letting go and maybe start over, I would, but we have nothing in common. I try to live my life without hatred and for the most part it is working out. I just can't change my personality completely and refrain from saying a smart-ass comment every now and then.
This was all a prelude into saying that I am grateful for not giving up on people too quickly, because sometimes people can make you proud for not losing faith in them. With one of the other foreigners, he has been driving friends away with his excessive complaining about Korea, but stays here. The worst part is that he says it to Koreans. He is the type that consistently asks for favors without offering anything in return. Yesterday, I hung out with him and we had a good conversation with minimum complaining. He paid for my dinner and movie ticket that night as well, something that he has never done before either. It was a birthday gift and I think the best gift was that it shows that people can grow out of their selfishness.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Homesickness/Independence
The longer that I am away from home, makes me miss it a little more. I have every intention of renewing a contract if it is presented to me but it does not stop the pangs of loneliness. I am comfortable in Korea, but there are so many aspects of my old life that is not here. I wish that I could go chill with the guys, eat dinner with one of my many families, hang out with my girls and attend gay church, be protective of my baby sister or show my parents that I have grown into someone they could be proud of, but I can't from so far away.
I told a friend recently that this has been one of the happiest times of my life and I am not lying, but I would be if I did not say that I did not admit to being lonely sometimes. I have some friends here, and they are great, but I find that I go into seclusion sometimes and try to distance myself. Back at home there was no such thing as personal space. None of us gave each other the luxury of being away from the others.
I miss sitting with Trina and Kristina gossiping about things that are only fascinating to us, I miss board game and video game nights with the guys, I miss seeing my family on a daily basis, but there is something bigger that is holding me to Korea. I am not sure why, but I just cannot leave yet.
I am trying to think positively and focus upon the good aspects of Korea. I have awesome kids, making great money, have an overall good life that is satisfying. If only I could have the best of both worlds. This lifestyle plus my old one as well. It is nice to hear from friends and family from home. Everyone seems to be doing well and it is funny to hear everyone talk about a few care packages that I might end up getting by the time I come home. At least people are being honest and telling me that it is in limbo. :p thanks guys.
I told a friend recently that this has been one of the happiest times of my life and I am not lying, but I would be if I did not say that I did not admit to being lonely sometimes. I have some friends here, and they are great, but I find that I go into seclusion sometimes and try to distance myself. Back at home there was no such thing as personal space. None of us gave each other the luxury of being away from the others.
I miss sitting with Trina and Kristina gossiping about things that are only fascinating to us, I miss board game and video game nights with the guys, I miss seeing my family on a daily basis, but there is something bigger that is holding me to Korea. I am not sure why, but I just cannot leave yet.
I am trying to think positively and focus upon the good aspects of Korea. I have awesome kids, making great money, have an overall good life that is satisfying. If only I could have the best of both worlds. This lifestyle plus my old one as well. It is nice to hear from friends and family from home. Everyone seems to be doing well and it is funny to hear everyone talk about a few care packages that I might end up getting by the time I come home. At least people are being honest and telling me that it is in limbo. :p thanks guys.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Life Does Not Always Pan Out As You Wish
I do not seem to write as often as I use to, but that is because nothing particularly special happens in my life. So it is no surprise that the most eventful thing to happen to me is the lost of my necklace. Of course everyone wishes that they could lose something that can be easily replace or nothing at all, but that specific item had quite a bit of sentimental value behind it.
It was the last thing that my grandma gave to me before she passed away. She purchased it when she was still healthy and actually picked it out specifically because I asked for one. Without it, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Stress and worry definitely plays a role in making people sick. Although, I have never been an avid follower or condemner of Chinese superstition, it now eases my mind a bit after a conversation with my mom. My dad had said, "Maybe she(my grandma) wanted it back" and if that is the case than I am more than willing to let it go. I know that in Chinese culture there always seems to be an answer to all of the problems in the world and I can see why this way of thinking has lasted so long.
Human beings innate need to see a purpose, for the good and the bad, propels us to look for a deeper meaning behind event. It also raises the question of whether or not as humans we are trying to evade responsibility by attributing these losses to a power greater than our own. Then why do we also credit external beings with the great success we achieve as well. Which shows that we are not completely selfish for wanting to believe in this.
I have been feeling lonely recently. I enjoy being on my own and having to solve my own problems, but I miss everyone so much. I think that this event with the necklace pushed me over the edge. I did not realize that I hold such sentimental meanings behind items.
Maybe it is the old fashion Asian in me, but I feel as if this string of bad events occurred because I took a pure feeling such as gratitude for not having to endure the hardships that other people around me have had to and let it grow to pride. A part of me wants to go home so bad, because I know I will never truly feel comfortable or at ease here, but that is a good thing. As Jack and Trina always tell, that sense of comfort stunts personal growth. I just sometimes wish that I was living in a country that I spoke the language.
The hardest part about it all is that it will be the first time I spend a birthday away from my family and most of my friends. I know that I am known as the crafty one for lying about my birthday, but it is nice to just spend time with people. I might not readily admit my birthday, but when people do something kind for me I appreciate it very much. I kind of hope that this one just passes by.
Lesson:
Pride or attachment to material objects are a form of shackles that keep us bound to this world. To ever gain true understanding of the spiritual world, we sooner or later need to lose this constraint. Easier said than done, but I will strive to reach a form of enlightenment.
It was the last thing that my grandma gave to me before she passed away. She purchased it when she was still healthy and actually picked it out specifically because I asked for one. Without it, I feel as if a part of me is missing. Stress and worry definitely plays a role in making people sick. Although, I have never been an avid follower or condemner of Chinese superstition, it now eases my mind a bit after a conversation with my mom. My dad had said, "Maybe she(my grandma) wanted it back" and if that is the case than I am more than willing to let it go. I know that in Chinese culture there always seems to be an answer to all of the problems in the world and I can see why this way of thinking has lasted so long.
Human beings innate need to see a purpose, for the good and the bad, propels us to look for a deeper meaning behind event. It also raises the question of whether or not as humans we are trying to evade responsibility by attributing these losses to a power greater than our own. Then why do we also credit external beings with the great success we achieve as well. Which shows that we are not completely selfish for wanting to believe in this.
I have been feeling lonely recently. I enjoy being on my own and having to solve my own problems, but I miss everyone so much. I think that this event with the necklace pushed me over the edge. I did not realize that I hold such sentimental meanings behind items.
Maybe it is the old fashion Asian in me, but I feel as if this string of bad events occurred because I took a pure feeling such as gratitude for not having to endure the hardships that other people around me have had to and let it grow to pride. A part of me wants to go home so bad, because I know I will never truly feel comfortable or at ease here, but that is a good thing. As Jack and Trina always tell, that sense of comfort stunts personal growth. I just sometimes wish that I was living in a country that I spoke the language.
The hardest part about it all is that it will be the first time I spend a birthday away from my family and most of my friends. I know that I am known as the crafty one for lying about my birthday, but it is nice to just spend time with people. I might not readily admit my birthday, but when people do something kind for me I appreciate it very much. I kind of hope that this one just passes by.
Lesson:
Pride or attachment to material objects are a form of shackles that keep us bound to this world. To ever gain true understanding of the spiritual world, we sooner or later need to lose this constraint. Easier said than done, but I will strive to reach a form of enlightenment.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Emotional Sobriety in an Intoxicated Korea
So my life from Korea has been less than eventful. I wish that I could
write about some grandeous adventure that I have been on and great
tales about the wonderful places that I have traveled, but I have done
none of that. I have either been working, working, planning for work
or going to Seoul. I have hung out with people more often recently and
have deviated from my hermit lifestyle, but it has been at the expense
of my waistline. I am always in this changing limbo, that I do not
enjoy.
I have joined Costco. They have a few in Seoul and a couple others
sporadically spread about Korea. I go there to buy my foreign goods.
It is so difficult to find good cheese and the stuff that I get there
is the 2lb blocks that I would not touch at home. It is nice to see
some familiar goods. I bought oatmeal, granola bars, sharp cheddar,
unsalted almonds, fiber drinks and some Crown Royal. The Koreans
around me must have thought that I was nuts because I was jumping for
joy when I saw it and skipped to show my friend. The sad part is that
the bottle is almost gone. It was not me though, I maybe drank 1/5 of
the bottle but the majority of it was consumed by Korean friends who
are intrigued by foreign alcohols.
So my workload has grown exponentially because I do not know how to
say no. I keep taking on more things because people keep asking me and
I cannot say no to kids. I am starting to get to the point that I
cannot take on anymore. The planning is the most stressful because
when I get there it is ok. Planning and preparation just takes so much
time and effort. I wanted a part-time job that had benefits and got a
full-time workload instead. It is good money to do all of these extra
jobs on the side though because I am getting paid over time or better
for it all.
I sometimes fear that work will consume me and I do not want to be one
of those people whose life revolves around work. Love the kids, like
most of the teachers, some of the administration is less than desirable
and private lessons are all over the place.
Receiving a dose of reality in the form of a love one being on the
brink. No amount of preparation can get you to be okay with
such a lose. Even though, everyone was prepared for it to happen it
still elicits so many emotions. I hope that the family will pull
together and over come such devastating circumstances and be able to
celebrate the life of such a beautiful woman. My heart goes out to the extended family, the Miller family.
write about some grandeous adventure that I have been on and great
tales about the wonderful places that I have traveled, but I have done
none of that. I have either been working, working, planning for work
or going to Seoul. I have hung out with people more often recently and
have deviated from my hermit lifestyle, but it has been at the expense
of my waistline. I am always in this changing limbo, that I do not
enjoy.
I have joined Costco. They have a few in Seoul and a couple others
sporadically spread about Korea. I go there to buy my foreign goods.
It is so difficult to find good cheese and the stuff that I get there
is the 2lb blocks that I would not touch at home. It is nice to see
some familiar goods. I bought oatmeal, granola bars, sharp cheddar,
unsalted almonds, fiber drinks and some Crown Royal. The Koreans
around me must have thought that I was nuts because I was jumping for
joy when I saw it and skipped to show my friend. The sad part is that
the bottle is almost gone. It was not me though, I maybe drank 1/5 of
the bottle but the majority of it was consumed by Korean friends who
are intrigued by foreign alcohols.
So my workload has grown exponentially because I do not know how to
say no. I keep taking on more things because people keep asking me and
I cannot say no to kids. I am starting to get to the point that I
cannot take on anymore. The planning is the most stressful because
when I get there it is ok. Planning and preparation just takes so much
time and effort. I wanted a part-time job that had benefits and got a
full-time workload instead. It is good money to do all of these extra
jobs on the side though because I am getting paid over time or better
for it all.
I sometimes fear that work will consume me and I do not want to be one
of those people whose life revolves around work. Love the kids, like
most of the teachers, some of the administration is less than desirable
and private lessons are all over the place.
Receiving a dose of reality in the form of a love one being on the
brink. No amount of preparation can get you to be okay with
such a lose. Even though, everyone was prepared for it to happen it
still elicits so many emotions. I hope that the family will pull
together and over come such devastating circumstances and be able to
celebrate the life of such a beautiful woman. My heart goes out to the extended family, the Miller family.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Earnest Truth
As each day passes, I find myself engaged in this constant struggle against some douchebag people. If it is not a certain school with their administration, it is another school coming to collect the the belongings of the previous inhabitant's apartment.
It is an awkward mix of comfort and agitation that fills most of my days in Korea.
I am having issues with one school in particular. I have lost my desk and computer to the P.E. teacher, the administration mocks me and I have been told that my wild hair is not acceptable for school. There is a new English wing to the school and I have been told that I can set up my computer there. So it will be nice to not have to see the administration on a daily basis and have my own private area.
There was a final dinner meeting with all of the teachers from Naeto elementary school. It was a fun time; I got to hang out with my friends, talk to another foreign teacher and get to meet some of the teachers that I did not meet during the school year. I went to the Noraebong (Singing Room) again, just to be a good sport, and found that it was enjoyable to get to know my colleagues. I was constantly harassed by this forty year old woman who kept asking me to marry her. I hope that it was just a joke, but she was persistent and wanted a kiss at the end of the night. NG, there was no amount of alcohol that would make me fall into that pitfall.
At 10, in the morning, I was greeted with a knock on my door and a demand for items back. I moved into this new apartment because of the outbreak of mold that infested my old room. There is a new foreign teacher that will be moving into that apartment so they are cleaning it right now. If they would have just fixed it like I had asked for then I would not need to move and save us all the trouble, but since they were stubborn I had to put my foot down and demand to move. So now, they want all of the stuff that Grace (my friend who lived in this apartment before me) back for the new teacher. I do not mind giving up the things that I have doubles of or do not need, but some of the items have become an extension of this apartment. Bookcases that prop up appliances, dishes, a cabinet in the bathroom. It seems as if they are trying to make a fuss for the purpose of doing so. In other words, they are being douchebags.
Thank goodness that I have made friends that give me the complete different perspective of Korea. I was talking with another foreign teacher and even though I was defending this country for it's contradictory standards, I was also getting agitated by the lack of respect that we are shown in this country. I do not like the standard of oppression that they show towards women. I do not like how we, as foreigners, are not shown respect by some of the older generations. I understand that we are coming into their country; many for the first time, making better money than them without having to partake in the painstaking amount of work they had to endure and pose as a reminder that their system would rather trust an outsider to teach their kids than them, but we only signed up for what was thought of as an opportunity to see a different side of the world.
I am also having issues with some of the friends that I have made. It seems as if this one particular individual has become more of a bother than anything else. Her implications that I am dating my neighbor, have feelings for my co-teacher/friend and intrusive behavior has begun to turn me off of this friendship. She is usually really nice, but she has no concept of when to scale back.
I am getting more frustrated by the situation at hand. The only thing that keeps me in this place is the friends that I have made and the kids. There are still many aspects of Korea that I enjoy, but right now I just needed to vent about the frustrations of this country.
It is an awkward mix of comfort and agitation that fills most of my days in Korea.
I am having issues with one school in particular. I have lost my desk and computer to the P.E. teacher, the administration mocks me and I have been told that my wild hair is not acceptable for school. There is a new English wing to the school and I have been told that I can set up my computer there. So it will be nice to not have to see the administration on a daily basis and have my own private area.
There was a final dinner meeting with all of the teachers from Naeto elementary school. It was a fun time; I got to hang out with my friends, talk to another foreign teacher and get to meet some of the teachers that I did not meet during the school year. I went to the Noraebong (Singing Room) again, just to be a good sport, and found that it was enjoyable to get to know my colleagues. I was constantly harassed by this forty year old woman who kept asking me to marry her. I hope that it was just a joke, but she was persistent and wanted a kiss at the end of the night. NG, there was no amount of alcohol that would make me fall into that pitfall.
At 10, in the morning, I was greeted with a knock on my door and a demand for items back. I moved into this new apartment because of the outbreak of mold that infested my old room. There is a new foreign teacher that will be moving into that apartment so they are cleaning it right now. If they would have just fixed it like I had asked for then I would not need to move and save us all the trouble, but since they were stubborn I had to put my foot down and demand to move. So now, they want all of the stuff that Grace (my friend who lived in this apartment before me) back for the new teacher. I do not mind giving up the things that I have doubles of or do not need, but some of the items have become an extension of this apartment. Bookcases that prop up appliances, dishes, a cabinet in the bathroom. It seems as if they are trying to make a fuss for the purpose of doing so. In other words, they are being douchebags.
Thank goodness that I have made friends that give me the complete different perspective of Korea. I was talking with another foreign teacher and even though I was defending this country for it's contradictory standards, I was also getting agitated by the lack of respect that we are shown in this country. I do not like the standard of oppression that they show towards women. I do not like how we, as foreigners, are not shown respect by some of the older generations. I understand that we are coming into their country; many for the first time, making better money than them without having to partake in the painstaking amount of work they had to endure and pose as a reminder that their system would rather trust an outsider to teach their kids than them, but we only signed up for what was thought of as an opportunity to see a different side of the world.
I am also having issues with some of the friends that I have made. It seems as if this one particular individual has become more of a bother than anything else. Her implications that I am dating my neighbor, have feelings for my co-teacher/friend and intrusive behavior has begun to turn me off of this friendship. She is usually really nice, but she has no concept of when to scale back.
I am getting more frustrated by the situation at hand. The only thing that keeps me in this place is the friends that I have made and the kids. There are still many aspects of Korea that I enjoy, but right now I just needed to vent about the frustrations of this country.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Kick It Up!
So I have been on vacation for the past week. It was sad to say goodbye to some friends that went back to California this weekend but it was nice spending some time in Seoul with one of them. Eating western food was never more enjoyable. I got some CPK and a Long Island, so life was pretty good. In truth, my Long Island's are better, but you have to take what you can get.
In the midst of all of my happiness, there are a few dark spots that bother me about Korea. Although my recruiter was not completely truthful with me in regards to my contracts and obligations I cannot hold it again him or cannot get myself to waste the energy to. I know that people are upset with me because my school schedule does not sync up with the vacations they originally planned but that is truly out of my hands. I do not control the school boards and cannot make them give me time off. I technically should be at school with the other teachers during some of this break time but they wave that. My vacation was too sporadic for me to travel anywhere during winter and it sucks but I am over it. I just hope that during summer vacation I can travel and see the countries around Korea. Right now it is nice that I am able to explore Korea though. I am learning that truth hiding/evading/neglecting is part of the culture in Korea and it is not worth getting agitated over.
I have to say that Korea has some awesome fashion. It is all of the stuff that I wish I had at home. Zippers that are not symmetrically placed on the jacket, high collared jackets, connected hoodie scarves, hoodies with bold prints and masks sewn into them and everything you could ever imagine. I need to lose weight to fit into some of these things, but on a brighter note, I have lost 14-15 pounds since coming to Korea! I just need to lose another 40 pounds or just slim down and build up some muscle.
I called my mom today to see how she was doing. She is not in any pain but the medication that she is on makes her dizzy and sick most of the time. She is going in for an x-ray tomorrow to see if everything is ok. The conversation started with her crying but I was relieved to see that she was smiling and laughing half way through. I had the talk with my mom that I have been dreading and it went better than I could have imagined. She brought it up by telling me about how my dad thinks that I will stay in Korea because I seem to be enjoying myself here. I asked her what she thought if I stayed for an extra year and would she be ok with it. She said that she would be fine as long as I am happy. I told her that I would get a month vacation if I renewed my contract and they would pay for my plane ticket home. With that, I might stay longer.
In the midst of all of my happiness, there are a few dark spots that bother me about Korea. Although my recruiter was not completely truthful with me in regards to my contracts and obligations I cannot hold it again him or cannot get myself to waste the energy to. I know that people are upset with me because my school schedule does not sync up with the vacations they originally planned but that is truly out of my hands. I do not control the school boards and cannot make them give me time off. I technically should be at school with the other teachers during some of this break time but they wave that. My vacation was too sporadic for me to travel anywhere during winter and it sucks but I am over it. I just hope that during summer vacation I can travel and see the countries around Korea. Right now it is nice that I am able to explore Korea though. I am learning that truth hiding/evading/neglecting is part of the culture in Korea and it is not worth getting agitated over.
I have to say that Korea has some awesome fashion. It is all of the stuff that I wish I had at home. Zippers that are not symmetrically placed on the jacket, high collared jackets, connected hoodie scarves, hoodies with bold prints and masks sewn into them and everything you could ever imagine. I need to lose weight to fit into some of these things, but on a brighter note, I have lost 14-15 pounds since coming to Korea! I just need to lose another 40 pounds or just slim down and build up some muscle.
I called my mom today to see how she was doing. She is not in any pain but the medication that she is on makes her dizzy and sick most of the time. She is going in for an x-ray tomorrow to see if everything is ok. The conversation started with her crying but I was relieved to see that she was smiling and laughing half way through. I had the talk with my mom that I have been dreading and it went better than I could have imagined. She brought it up by telling me about how my dad thinks that I will stay in Korea because I seem to be enjoying myself here. I asked her what she thought if I stayed for an extra year and would she be ok with it. She said that she would be fine as long as I am happy. I told her that I would get a month vacation if I renewed my contract and they would pay for my plane ticket home. With that, I might stay longer.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
What is expected of others.
What do we truly expect of other people and what are the consequences if those ideals are not met? I look at the intensity of others and wonder if life should always be lived with that deep burning or if sometimes that same enthusiasm can be detrimental to the way we function on an everyday basis.
The opinions of those who really count should be the ones that you strive to obtain but how do you go about figuring out who is worth your time and who is not without stumbling across a few bad experiences. When you do come across those who are not worth your time does that mean the time that you invested in those people mean nothing? Is it important to break off all contact with someone when you realize that they are not who you thought they were or you find no use for them anymore?
I have come to the realization that even though I was vocal about what I thought at home and never really hiding my distaste for anything, I was never truly being myself. It was usually a group consensus that was being expressed. I am able to think with a clearer mind out here. Things that use to bother me at home don't have the same effect on me anymore. Other peoples drama or temper tantrums should not change the fact that I am trying to live in the moment. I will take a page from "How I Met Your Mother" and let future David deal with all of this. I am no longer worried about satisfying the right people by hating the right people. All of these emotions are useless. I will just aim my focus onto taking better care of myself and figuring out who I want to be.
Lately, all I have been writing about is the positive aspects of Korea and I think that is giving some people the wrong impression of what life out here truly is like. I have wanted to lose weight for quite some time and now that I am in a country of stick figures I have more motivation to do something about it. On Friday, I went out with some co-teachers for dinner and the office manager said, "It looks as if you are getting fatter. Am I wrong?", This floored me because on Thursday, I went to Levi's and bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than I was at home. I, also went to the tailors to get four shirts taken in and a pair of pants redone. So some cultural aspects of Korea is extremely flawed. I kept my composure while I was out but after I got home, the alcohol kicked in and I started to cry. A moment of weakness plus alcohol never makes for sound judgment. I woke up the next day feeling like a fool. It has occurred to me that the way that others look at me does effect that the way that I look at myself. I know that back at home it is rare to be shamed into wanting to lose weight but the lack of motivation has our country high on the obesity side. I am not justifying this extreme method or mentality but where is the median?
I have plenty of time to figure this out for myself.
The opinions of those who really count should be the ones that you strive to obtain but how do you go about figuring out who is worth your time and who is not without stumbling across a few bad experiences. When you do come across those who are not worth your time does that mean the time that you invested in those people mean nothing? Is it important to break off all contact with someone when you realize that they are not who you thought they were or you find no use for them anymore?
I have come to the realization that even though I was vocal about what I thought at home and never really hiding my distaste for anything, I was never truly being myself. It was usually a group consensus that was being expressed. I am able to think with a clearer mind out here. Things that use to bother me at home don't have the same effect on me anymore. Other peoples drama or temper tantrums should not change the fact that I am trying to live in the moment. I will take a page from "How I Met Your Mother" and let future David deal with all of this. I am no longer worried about satisfying the right people by hating the right people. All of these emotions are useless. I will just aim my focus onto taking better care of myself and figuring out who I want to be.
Lately, all I have been writing about is the positive aspects of Korea and I think that is giving some people the wrong impression of what life out here truly is like. I have wanted to lose weight for quite some time and now that I am in a country of stick figures I have more motivation to do something about it. On Friday, I went out with some co-teachers for dinner and the office manager said, "It looks as if you are getting fatter. Am I wrong?", This floored me because on Thursday, I went to Levi's and bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than I was at home. I, also went to the tailors to get four shirts taken in and a pair of pants redone. So some cultural aspects of Korea is extremely flawed. I kept my composure while I was out but after I got home, the alcohol kicked in and I started to cry. A moment of weakness plus alcohol never makes for sound judgment. I woke up the next day feeling like a fool. It has occurred to me that the way that others look at me does effect that the way that I look at myself. I know that back at home it is rare to be shamed into wanting to lose weight but the lack of motivation has our country high on the obesity side. I am not justifying this extreme method or mentality but where is the median?
I have plenty of time to figure this out for myself.
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